When the Boss is Away

Editorial: Violet Newstead, student at large

He left town last Thursday, in a flurry of "I'll have my cell if you need anything, but I'm sure you can handle it." We can, of course, we carry him most days, except for the things he keeps from us entirely. Count on those to be the things that blow up.

Boss trust is a funny kind of trust. Equal parts "Can't you just handle it?" and "You should have known better."

Boiled down, "cover for me," means "do what I would do, but I wouldn't insult you by leaving a list." They'll find other ways to do that.

They will send you to meetings you never knew they went to. The people in the meetings are bound to be tiers above you, so they don't know who you are, and that's just as well because then they don't know how to take you. One plus of today's casual work environment is that execs and drones look a lot alike. When cornered to speak for your department, affect a scowl and say, "I think we both know how Bob would answer that." Hope they don't call your bluff.

They will mistype your name or phone number on the out of office message so no one can really contact you.

They will override your decisions without even knowing what they were. The miracle that is Treo. It's a dance that goes like this: email to Boss bounces an out of office, sender deciphers how to reach the Backup, Backup provides assistance, Boss emails an hour later responding to the Sender and cc'ing the Backup. The CC of the backup can not be accidental, and the effort says, "here's what I want you to do, my backup. I want you to answer my mail, not lead the group."

They will bring you a souvenier, like you are their nephew or their dogsitter. Since you won't get a vacation, enjoy this souvenier of mine.

They will nod sympathetically when you complain later about this, and respond by naming a different back-up next time.

Maybe that's what you wanted all along.

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Maximize Your Work at Home Day

Instructor, Caroline Bender

Ten years ago, as the Internet culture was gearing up, the Company thought of lots of ways to keep you working: bagels, and foozball, and comfortable clothes, and on-site day care and dry cleaning and Friday night movies.

Now that they have us trained, they can support our Work at Home days, which are just like your Work-all-Night days except the termite man can come.

The Work at Home is either a blessing or a curse, depending on both your work and your home, with a little of your ethic thrown in. The Finishing School offers some guidance on making the most of your Work at Home.

OK...Not OK..?
A faculty member of this site accuses the Work-at-Home of squandering their time and running too many personal errands.

a) she has never sent 42 emails between 1130 and 1245, which is almost mathematically impossible...and
b) she is not paying enough attention to what her staff does under her nose.

But let's say you want to make a good faith effort at Rules of Engagement for Work at Home day. What's "in scope"?

Life management phone calls - OK
Just as much as they are in the office. And easier, too, to describe your rash, order lingerie, and beg your mortgage officer. I have a hunch the internet was invented so people could do these things quietly. I know for sure that IM was.

Chores - Within reason
If you're not running the laundry, you're being played for a fool.
Anything that doesn't require fixed attention (oven nachos - OK; planked salmon- maybe not) is fair. After all, you don't have a staff, and the reason these things aren't done in the first place is because you're working all the time.

Poolside/Deckside/Lawnchairs - yes, yes, and yes
Get outside, would you? If you can be contacted by all your lojak devices, no one cares whether you are actually in the home office. Besides, the wireless signal is better out there. Just be working: not at the mall, Skate Nation, or texting through the matinee. And beach sand is hard to explain to IT when they collect your "resource" for maintenance.

Nap - Surgeons do it, why not you?
You have said many times that there should be an on-call room in the office. There should; it's exhausting there. So take a nap. Keep it to an hour and put your away message on.

Lunchtime DVD - Fine by me.
No fair to nap and have a movie on the same day. That's just mean to the lads on the front.

Phone meetings on mute - Yes, or the movie will distract people.
Surfing the web while on the phone meeting is the same as daydreaming in the conference, so just do it.

What about the kids?
Miss Bender doesn't have the first idea. Shouldn't they be at the playground, flirting with the ice cream man and learning how to smoke? Oh, I see your point.
Don't try to be the Kool-Aid Mom and work-at-home, unless you really do work at home every day. You won't do either sufficiently, you'll get on your own nerves, and the next thing you know you're on Dr. Phil.

How to Manage the Day

Own your environment
Whatever hampers your work environment, correct it at home. Adjust the tempertaure, the noise level, smoke at your desk, let the cat sit on your feet, whatever you need to create the ideal space you don't get the rest of the week.

Limit the type of activity
We recommend that you pigeonhole what you do on this day; that is, schedule all your phone meetings, or your writing projects. The budget review, or that Power Point prezo. Why bring the frenzied pingpong of your cubeworld into your nice sanctuary. Treat this time like a project and the day slows down considerably."

Pretend you are a consultant
Finishing School Upperclasswomen know our foundation "everyone is a consultant." In the little consultancy business you run, you are working today for This Company. And they will get your best, until it is time to stop for the day.

Look forward to it
Remember when you were young and energetic and smart? You read the trades and thought up new ideas with all the enthusiasm of a 7th grader making a science project? She's still in there, and she's sharpening up her colored pencils for you.

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Are You in a Cult?: Part 2

Recognizing Stockholm Syndrome

Earlier in this curriculum, we discussed how to recognize the coercive environment within which you may spend your workday.

But lately you've been thinking that things have turned a corner. Your immediate peers have turned into a likeable bunch you actually have lunch with, and you've been seen laughing in meetings. You volunteer for things that don't even need doing, and for about a week you contemplated attending the company party. Just when you thought you might be leaving, they announced your bonus.

Are things truly improving, or have you just been sucked in?
And what's the difference, anyway?

In 1973, a Swedish bank robbery- turned-hostage situation resulted in the coining of the phrase Stockholm Syndrome, after the hostages determined they were safer in the bank vault with their captives than they would be if the police came bursting in. Think Bel Canto, with longer hair.

The condition of identifying with and protecting one's captors is now a recognized state of trauma and post-traumatic stress.
You may do well to be familiar with the symptoms. (from the Iowa Coalition on Domestic Violence,adapted for CWFS use)

Four conditions allow Stockholm Syndrome to develop
• A threat to [terminate] the victim and the ability to carry it out.
• The inability of the victim to escape.
• The victim is isolated from outside views. They are forced to accept the views of the aggressor.
• After a threatening experience, the aggressor displays kindness to the victim.

(well, now you have my attention)

To mix metaphors by way of illustration... New England summer is what keeps us here through a 9 month winter.

Here's how the Coalition describes some of the cognitive distortions your abuser -- that is, Company -- may be putting you through.

Narrowed perceptions focused on the immediate, that is, on surviving in the here and now
In spades. Here at the Big Company, we can barely get from one meeting to the next without crashing into each other.

Denial of abuse: don’t see themselves as abused when they actually are
Because the money, you see. There's just so much money.

Minimization of the abuse
"we've all been there." Also good for using abuse as a rite of passage, Marine Corps style.

Taking the abuser’s perspective: seeing the abuser’s wants andneeds as their own; seeing themselves as the abuser sees them;etc.
Let me take it from here: Parroting what they say...anticipating their needs... thinking of small little nothings to win them over....complimenting their evil prowess...

Rationalizing the abuser’s abuse
I like when they can align the abuse directly with the values. Takes some talent.
Oh, there I go again!

Seeing the abuser as more powerful than the abuser actually is
Good time to remember the foundational lesson of the Finishing School -- make the Boss earn you.

Seeing small kindnesses by the abuser as large kindnessses
$500 "spot award," minus 40% for Uncle Sam! Willikers, Mr Beasley, that's swell!

See their abusers as victims
"We're all in the same boat after all." pfffft

Believe that if they give enough love and understanding to the abuser, the abuser will let them live and may stop the abuse
Apparently this kicks in in the 3rd year at my company.

Believe that the abuser will know and retaliate if they even think a disloyal thought
Why no one will complete the employee survey

To consolidate: The authority tells you the world out there is a scary place, and you have it so much better in here, and they can make good things happen for you if you just wait for the danger to pass. And in the meantime, if they have to be a little tough on you to make sure you're one of the good ones, it's only for the good of the Company. And you really are one of the good ones -- when you apply yourself, when you aren't questioning the authority you work under.

You might want to read these bullet points again after The State of the Union; they are sounding more familiar than I thought.

~~CB

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When the Boss likes Christmas More than you Do

It’s that time of year—time for awkward staff meetings that open with,” Would people prefer we have the Yankee Swap during work hours or after work?”

Here at the BWFS&SC we try not to take a position on whether co-workers should throw showers, potlucks, birthday sing-a-longs and secular humanist winter holiday festivals of lights. We rather think our attitude comes out in the way we advise you on getting through them.

When the enthusiasm comes from the Boss, this is especially awkward, and we will assume in this lecture that she knows it too, but genuinely believes
a) team-building exercises do indeed build teams
b) we’ve worked hard all year and ought to have some fun
c) people work better together when they occasionally play together
d) Christmas rituals are fun

Here then, as you have come to expect, Miss Bender’s Guide to Getting Through Office Holiday Celebrations Without Alienating the Boss for the Rest of the Year

General Tip: Know what you want and what you will compromise on. Don’t say it doesn’t matter if it does matter. But give in on the things that don’t matter. Because they really don’t.

Unfortunate Best Tip: Offer to help.
Standing by pouting never works in this situation.
Offer to Help does not have to mean setting up the punch bowl or playing Santa. It can be the kind of private sidebar that starts with “I’ve been thinking about what you said…” They love when you think about they said.

Like any other disagreement with the Boss, you can best make your case by agreeing that you want things to work out the best way possible, and you think your idea will either achieve that end directly, or prevent potential disaster.


Yankee swap
Miss Bender remembers well her first Yankee Swap, which appalled her Southern upbringing and confused her understanding of Christian giving. Twenty years in-country, though, have assimilated her to the Yankee Swap, known in other regions as Dirty Santa or (god help us) Chinese Auction. It is a gift grab/Let’s Make a Deal combination that results in players arguing over the “good gifts,” and begging to pawn off the “bad ones” (which sometimes the giver thought were “good”)

1. Keep the price low. You weren’t going to buy any of these people a gift anyway.
If the participants represent a range of ranks and salaries, here is your chance to remind the Boss of that-privately, of course.

2. Know your audience. This game can take twists that are not appropriate for mixed company.

Secret Santa
Don’t we all have enough projects?
This beloved treasure of sorority houses and freshman dorms everywhere has the same risk factor of the Valentine Shoebox. Someone’s feelings are going to get hurt. Here, names are drawn and the Giver (or "Santa”) surprises the Receiver with a gift each day until the grand unveiling party known as the Anticlimax. If you must…

1. Remember the price rule

2. Encourage people to write likes/dislikes on their name slip when it is drawn so you don’t give brittle to the nut-allergic.

3. Come up with a name for the Receiver. The most irritating factor of Secret Santas is that no one knows what to call the person whose name you drew.

Cube decorating
There are people who decorate their cubicles and people who don’t.
Of those who do, there are those who decorate for the holidays and those who don’t.
Of those who do, there are those who decorate in the same magnitude of any other holiday and those who think there is a prize.
This is bound to be your cubemate or your Boss.

1. Your cube is all you have that belongs to you in this frontier. Stand your ground. But always politely, and with a phrase that complements their own prowess while asserting your own wishes. “You have a real flair for that” can work.

2. Do not encroach when you decorate. Stay in your own holiday zone. This includes electrical cords, things that blink, and anything that sings a song, Ho-Hos or jingles.

Family dinner
The Boss can easily be encouraged to turn this into lunch. It’s cheaper, there is no transportation issue, and people are more likely to come. Just go. It’s like 20 minutes.

1. Sit by people you like.
Usually MissBender recommends mingling, but in this case, your movement is restricted. The advice is to limit your mingling to people you can tolerate. Like a wedding reception.

2. All other office party rules apply.


Crafts, Caroling, and Charitable Giving
The Company never assumes that you have other resources in your life, so they like to bring the charities and the life coaches and the dry cleaning to you.
It is a nice gesture. If it motivates you , enjoy it. Wear a scarf and a top hat.

Otherwise, this category is fairly easy to avoid at a large company, since there are always plenty of people who sign up.

1. Be in the audience. Attending the craft fair, or clapping for the carolers doesn’t cost anything and looks like involvement.

2. If you want to buy gifts for the Toy Box, or the Angel Tree, or the Community Chest, do it.

3. Don’t ask your co-workers if they did it, and never ever ask your employees if they did.

4. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. And don’t feel bad about it. Until this whole company visits your grandma in the Home, you don’t owe them these little indulgences.

Giving the boss a gift
Should you? Miss Bender advises against it, with very few exceptions.

1. The Boss can not afford to buy all her staff a gift. Don’t put her in that position.

2. Giving “up” creates competition among staff members and any reward you get in the coming year will be suspect

3. Exception: if the Boss is truly a personal friend. If you know the names of her children and her home address, drive over there and give it to her on your own time.

When you don’t celebrate Christmas
Well, who does? We celebrate Winter Gift-Giving. And it can be perfectly enjoyable.

If you follow a faith which does not include Christmas, (or which does include Christmas, but the hymn-singing candlelight family-only kind) you should spend the rest of the year demonstrating the same. If it is important to your spiritual integrity, you don’t keep it a big secret until you need it.

Happy New Year from the Faculty and Staff of the Business Women's Finishing School.
Weare closed Dec 25 because it is a federal holiday, not a religious one. Please write your Congressman if that irks you.

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Jungle Fighting

It's funny where one finds inspiration. After a workplace skirmish erupted Friday morning (from which the team and I emerged to fight another day), I happened to read the following in a workplace manual of another sort, sent by a friend. That bell you hear is the ring of truth.

JUNGLE SOLDIER'S

TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. Fight to win. Use all your strength and cunning. Surprise and defeat your Enemy.

2. Learn your job. Then do it. Dangers and hardships can't stop a jungle soldier.

3. Use cover skillfully. The jungle is your friend.

4. Guard your health. Without health you are useless in the jungle.

5. Protect your arms and equipment. Never leave them. You can't live without them.

6. Keep calm. Keep silent. Keep mobile. Keep alive.

7. Make every shot count. Never fire blindly. Save ammunition.

8. Use team work. Do your part, especially when alone.

9. Never surrender. Withdraw into jungle cover. Or kill one more Enemy.

10. Strike where it hurts most, when it hurts most.

oo-rah.

~~ CB

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Secret Identities

In our last session, we discussed how strange impressions are formed around the office, and why it may be advantageous to let them lie. Miss Bender has recently learned another "fact" about herself that came as a complete surprise, but was greeted with a straight face.

Apparently, Miss Bender was once a med student.
Well, why not.

Part of the skill of maintaining an image as an International Woman of Mystery is to let these chips fall where they may. I don't tell elaborate stories of my days in a labcoat, as if it were true, but I didn't correct it either. I thought I'd find out what I could find out.

I have learned that the reason I took Latin for four years (which is true, and a fact I have volunteered myself as an apologia for my vocabularly -- which includes words like apologia. Why use Saxon when a Latinate will do?) ...the reason I took Latin for four years was to prepare for medical school. uh..huh.

I think this may have started because I did once tell a story that involved my preparation for doctoral school. (Also true. Also ill-advised. Also not the story I am telling.)

No one says "Doctor School." This is not a phrase. But I think that's what people heard.

Here then, are your Bender-style guidelines for creating your own aura.

Just enough backstory: Stick to the story you are telling. This is Miss Bender's general rule anyway. Too often, people provide so much backstory that one loses track of the main plot, and interest in where it is going. Remember Seinfeld's rule of the Yadda: "We went back to my place, yadda yadda yadda, I never saw him again." Besides holding your audience, what it does for your secret identity status is show only small windows of information that when strung together... don't seem to go together at all.

Play with numbers: I had a co-worker who was often referring to "an old boyfriend," in a Stanley Kowalski way ("An old boyfriend of mine was a skydiver..."). Somehow at 30, she'd had a fleet of "old boyfriends." Most of them were actually "old dates," and the remainder were the same guy.

Play with time: Miss Bender is fond of dropping that she saw Elvis in concert, which is true. She was 10 at the time.

Horde skills: If you can actually play ragtime piano, say, save that fact to whip out at the christmas party. In icebreakers, dig deep for the "something about yourself." Never repeat them. And of course... never say more than is required.

Acknowledge your contradictions: The tomboy who knits, the bookish type who is also a skeetshooter, the devout christian who swears like a sailor cause others to think, "well, ya think ya know a person..."

Nod agreeably with the stories others tell: Not only is it polite, it gives them the impression you identify with their story because you have a similar one. When you don't tell it, they decide you are just modest, or "private." You have no such story, but subconsciously, they tell themselves you do.

Remember your "outside obligations." (see previous post). Also a good phrase: "I am expected at home."

~~CB

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Other Obligations

When Miss Bender was an eager young professional, there was an often-told (and doubtless apocryphal) story told of the young woman who started a new job at a new campus with a wedding ring on her finger and pictures of her husband and young children on her desk.

But the facts eventually revealed themselves: the family was invented, and she was not married. But she wanted to set a tone in this new job that she had other obligations to go home to. For years, as the unmarried childless member of the staff, she had been expected to stay late, come early, work holidays, and take less vacation.

She and her story were invented, and also 100% true, as all of us living that story knew.

I always liked the idea, even long after I had left the kind of field (even position) that required that kind of dedication. My next move was to an hourly position, where I was too expensive to stay after hours. When I returned to salary, I adopted the unapologetic phrase, “obligations outside work.”

Here’s how it works:

Dear Boss,
Thanks for sending the information about the on-site training class to be held next month. I look forward to this opportunity.
You mentioned that this training lasts all day and goes into the evening.
Can you advise what hours we should commit? I need to reschedule my other obligations, depending on what time we expect to begin and end each session.
I understand the class is Top Priority that week, but adjustments will have to be made.

You see I still work nights and evenings when I have to. Meeting a deadline is still of greater importance to me than making a point on a time clock (I never said I was cured).

But this sets that legendary career gal’s tone that the Company has competition for my attention, with the added emphasis that the Company doesn’t get to decide whether it is more or less important than what they want me to be thinking about. Because I never explain what the obligations are.

Then this happened – subconsciously perhaps, but quite by accident.

I was in a second interview, and at this point in the conversation had already been offered the job. So I cut to the bottom of my list of questions and began asking the practical things about working from home, and doctor’s appointments, and other flexibilities of salary life (which one does miss when one doesn’t get paid for not working).

I got to the bullet point about my volunteer work. I volunteer once a week at a site about 20 miles from where I would be working, so there is always a sticky point where I have to flex-time myself into a schedule that accommodates that.

I meant to say "I have a volunteer job once a week that requires me to leave an hour early that day. Usually I come in an hour earlier that day, if that will work for you. I can choose any day of the week we like, but then I have to stay with that day." In my nervousness though, I didn’t say “volunteer job.” I said “community service.”

Read that paragraph again.

It hung there in the air, and I heard it, and I thought… well, let’s just leave it like that.

Community service. Why not just say…Standing appointment. Session. Meth dosage. Shock treatment.

So before this guy who had just offered me a job had time to think too hard about what I just said, I added “Am I required to travel in this job? Because I can’t.”

I’ve been waiting ever since for this rumor to come back around to me, but so far it hasn’t. I do show some occasional leg around the office, so he knows there’s no ankle bracelet. Maybe he’s forgotten it already.
~~CB

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What to Expect from the On-Site

The off-site can be a delight -- even if you don't care for all of your co-workers, and even if ropes courses are involved. It's at least a day out of the office and a change of scenery, catering and guest facilitators.

The office on-site is a horse of a different color. If your calendar holds such a day in your future, review the following carefully. Our motto, as always, is be prepared.

There is no agenda
The longer the day ahead of you, the less likely there will be a plan for spending it. The Boss who tries to cram a 12-item agenda into a 60 minute staff meeting every week suddenly has a free-form 8 hours ahead of you.

Same math for the meeting room
That is... if you manage to score the "good" board room, with a/v and cushioned chairs, you can have it from 9:00-10:00; 11:30-12:00; 2:3:30; after 4. The room you can have all day seats 4. In folding chairs. And...

You'd better layer
That room is either freezing cold or boiling hot. With a blasting fan or banging radiator, respectively. Tank-tops according to your own comfort level, but Scrunchie is a must.

Pack snacks
Corporate catering will show up with the Big Cookies and the strangely dry brownie, which can hit the spot. But if you need your juice, Red Bull, Bubble Yum, Balance Bar, popcorn, Starbucks and other Standard Operating Procedure daily snacks, better bring them with you. Ditto cigarettes.

Pack supplies
There won't be any.

Come early
For the good chair and the network connection.

Leave early
Things really do suddenly come up.

Participate
I'm sorry, but you really will go starkers otherwise.

Is anyone still reading this blog?

~~CB?

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Meeting on the Boss' Bad Habits

Instructor, Caroline Bender
Here's an awkward moment for the new professional or new staff member:
Boss says, "Come have a drink/smoke/bone/lap dance with me and we'll talk about it more."

See how the range of activity suddenly reveals your boundaries?

What's a girl to do?
Miss Bender encountered this scene this morning when New Boss invited her for the privilege of standing in the cold and breathing his smoke while he delivered a briefing that was already complete by the time the elevator hit the lobby. "This is a coveted privilege," he said, "because you will have my full attention."

His lungs, one can assume, would be doing the rest of the work.

My advice on this issue is to gauge the importance of taking a stand. What's your issue?

Are you in recovery?
Maybe this really is a struggle for you, to be around the vice you are trying to kick. And most people with vices are trying to kick them. So maybe you could offer, "I'm trying to quit. Let me catch you when you get back." (or before you go, as suits the situation)

Is it a health issue?
Too cold/hot out, can't be around a lot of people, sprained your ankle.... what have you got?

Is this creeping you out?
Are you afraid people will start saying about you what you heard them saying about the last woman he took out smoking and drinking? For after work events, try "I am expected at home." For mid-workday events, try a different kind of lie. Like you're trying to quit. Or have a health issue. You will have to practice this to have it fresh in your mind. I didn't.

Is it just rude?
Here's where I was. Rude...and annoying to be put in this situation. So I took the meeting. In my youth, I would have smoked as well. But I hear it's bad for you. After I've banked some more credibility with New Boss, I'll decline, with something like the recovery answer, without the recovery part. A full year from now, I'll be able to say something like, "That's no fun for me."

Is that your good cashmere sweater?
Take the meeting and be very annoying about where you stand. Wave your hands a lot and stand about 20 feet away, shifting everytime the wind does. Or ask for a wipe-down of the bar, and refuse to sit on the stool. He won't ask you again.

Do you enjoy such vice?
Then do it. Maybe some good will come of it.

To be fair here, the Boss isn't really testing you. He or she enjoys this activity, and doesn't get it that you don't. Rude, obtuse, inappropriate? Perhaps. But not mean-spirited. Decline nicely, as you would a peer and find a quite escape.

Females executives who like to talk in the stalls will be covered in a different post.

~~CB

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Last Week on the Job

Instructor, Caroline Bender
Congratulations. You're clearing out. Moving on. One hopes, to greener pastures, but then you thought they were, didn't you? One expects that when you walked into this job, you were focused on making a good impression. You want to keep that same focus as you depart.

In these final 5 days, it is tempting to get a jump on the new thing, which is certainly more interesting to you. We at the BWFS(&SC) want to encourage you to work up to the last day. Leave a clean campsite and please douse all your fires.

Ask for deliverables
What do you need to complete before you go, or what needs to be taken to the next milestone for transition? The Boss has trouble with questions like these, because she doesn't really know your job. Think of it like a preplan for a vacation (from which you will never return). Make sure you also find out who is to receive what you are delivering.

Tie up loose ends
Let your counterparts know who they will deal with once you are gone. If the replacement has been hired, indicate the name and start date. If the seat will remain open, try to identify resources who can fill in what you used to provide. This is a good use of email (not everything is).

Provide clean files
If this is not already in your nature, you not achieve this in a week. No one requires typed labels or color coding. But some sense of categorization and order is the minimal requirement.

Thin your folders.
Some historical reference is appreciated, but not every piece of correspondence is required. This goes for electronic folders as well. Watch out for notes of a personal, snide, nature, which you have scrawled in the margins. Or perhaps Miss Bender is only speaking for herself.

Always be working
(or appear to be) The truth is, if you plan it well, you can complete your work 2 or 3 days before your departure. But try to look busy 9-5. Keep going to your scheduled meetings, unless you are asked not to (you traitor).

Participate in calls, represent your role's concerns, just as if you were in for the long haul. Nothing's worse than a project team short-timer.

Don't pack on company time
I'm sorry to say this will mean staying later. Plan on one hour each day of your last week for every year you have been in this job. If it takes longer than that, you are a pack rat.

Leave personal items on the walls until the very end. Their removal saddens your co-workers.


Now you are ready to go. Files clean and meaningful, colleagues prepared to turn to others, projects transitioned or stable.

Do one last nice thing. Wipe down your desk, dust the monitor, Lysol the phone. New people like to feel expected.
~~CB

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