Princesses are not Perfect (book review, of sorts)

a confusing business fable

Chief Researcher, Caroline Bender 

Parents in our student body may have already explored this topic.  Your Miss Bender is on field research this week, as a spinster businesswoman with little other-life experience.  Living through the eyes of a 4 year-old this week is a fascinating look into how we get here.  Give me the princess until she is 7.... and I will give you the Chairwoman of the Board.

If you live within a mile of a 4 year-old girl, you understand the pull of Princesses.  I gave up trying to explain it years ago.  I accept that for most of this demographic, the world is painted in lavendar and pink, and everyone wears a crown.  A fraction of the group who don't actually believe it go along with it out of cultural deference, and the rest of them go horsey or live as boys.  (Don't start writing your letter yet; I am just getting started)

I am not against princesses, and I am not going to blame Disney for them.  A girl's gotta be what a girl's gotta be, and if it involves unicorns and rainbows, so be it.  When you draw a girl's smiling face in sidewalk chalk, and your 4 year-old charge asks, "Can I draw her crown...?" you are up against a new kind of reality. (4 year olds say "drawl," as you know)

Among the library books we read (in our matching pink reading chairs while one of us was dressed as Belle) this week is Princesses are Not Perfect, whose author has just found this post through her favorite search engine, and will be writing within the hour.  The surface message of the story is meant to be that you don't have to excel at everything you try -- in fact most people, even princesses, can not do everything perfectly.

Nice sentiment.  Mr Rogers taught us that.  Captain Kangaroo taught our parents to "let your young person try to comb their own hair, even if it doesn't look quite right."  And in a childhood of bike helmets and kneepads, we have learned to say encouraging things like, "if you're not making mistakes, you might not be trying very hard."  A (wo)man's reach must exceed [her] grasp, etc.  (I originally typed "gasp," just now...which seems a little closer to the truth.)

Inside Princess are NotPerfect, I found a more confusing  layer of messages, and a generation of Women Who Do Too Much in the making. It happens like this. 

Each of 3 princesses has a specialized skill.  One is a gardener, one a baker, and one a builder, in an interesting push against gender-specific occupations.  While planning the big party, the builder announces that she is tired of always doing the same job, and what if she tried doing the baking this year?  The other princesses are uneasy about working outside their sphere of expertise, but convinced they can excel at whatever they try, they agree to shift duties.

Hilarity ensues, as you might expect -- the builder gardens with a chainsaw, the baker slathers glue like frosting, and the gardener pours flour onto the kitchen flour and rakes in the ingredients.  Each makes a hopless and imperfect mess at her contribution to the party.

Confusing message #1 - you have perfect...or a mess.  Nothing in between.

They each lie to the others about how great the project is going and go to their separate beds.

Confusing message #2 - Never ask for help from people who could.

Stressed beyond sleeping, each princess paces, and tosses, and drinks relaxing liquids, thinking about...
not how they will explain what happened to the chairs, the cupcakes, or the centerpieces they attempted, but sensing what a horrible mess the other princess must have made working on their part.

Confusing message #3 - Delegation = disaster.  Just do everything yourself.

Each gets up in the middle of the night to work will her tools, as"the only thing" that will calm her. 

(Oh, "tsk" yourself; you've done it.)  Their ouput, of course, is a new set of 100 chairs, cupacakes and flower arrangements.

Confusing message #4 - People want you to rescue them.  No, they really do.  And you're the best at it.

No one questions the turn of events.  They are all grateful, and the village children have a wonderful party.  Confusing message #5 - Stay in your box.

The line in the story is "do what you love," which is also a good positive message.  Unfortunately, it is written like this (emphasis mine):

"Princesses," said Princess Allie, "are good at what they love." (in fact, perfect at what they love.  And terrible at anything else.) "You don't have to be good at everything to be a princess."  (but you do have to be a princess).

What a nice story it would be if they had helped each other learn a new skill and produce something original and good, if not perfect.  If the cupcakes were decorated with real roses, and the chairs filligreed like wedding cakes, and the centerpieces architectural wonders of climbing topiary and hanging baskets.  What if we let ourselves try something new and celebrated the experience rather than the outcome.

What if.

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No Sneakers at the Office - Adam Scholl (Book tour)

In Miss Bender's real life workplace, she informally mentors a young professional with real spark, drive, and upward mobility.  (She keeps Miss Bender honest, to tell you the truth.)  Recently, we were talking about some exploring in the job market this NewPro has been doing -- fly fishing really, but you never know when something may strike.  Her biggest concern of the moment (though she has no upcoming prospects from these on-line searches) is how she will  manage to squeeze an interview into her workday.

She says, "I can't suddenly show up one day dressed up."  Because of course her daily attire is jeans, t-shirt over longer t-shirt, and those yes-they-are-sneakers the Red Bull generation wear these days.

I said, with sincere nodding as I crossed my stockinged legs, "That's where you are making your mistake."

As the peskier of the 2 schoolmarms who run this Finishing School, Miss Bender does occasionally check in with the student body on their state of dress, is known to give the once-over during class change, and keeps a black blazer on hand in case you are called to the front office.

As another class enters an already-downsized workforce this spring, The BWFSandSC wants to remind you that appearances do count, and we do take off for spelling.  Your baseball cap in a meeting room is not at all like taking a stand about not wearing a dress to your First Communion.  That was acceptable because you were seven.  Just because your workplace doesn't issue you a uniform, doesn't mean there isn't one.

Into this confusing office culture comes a new guide for new professionals, on everything from office wear basics to etiquette, including business travel, office politics, finding a mentor, managing your time.  These are the things we used to learn in 5th grade health class, but we understand education has changed and you are not often asked to stretch outside of your comfort zone.

Author Adam T. Scholl, MBA, JD, and former Guardsman, has worked in a variety of industries and businesses, and brings that experience to bear in No Sneakers at the Office, which Amazon.com describes as "a step-by-step guide for college seniors, fresh-outs, and professionals under 30 seeking to enter, survive and thrive in corporate America."   Scholl talks about the motivation to share that guide to an emerging workforce in serious need.


Why did you name your book No Sneakers at the Office?
My publisher derived the title from a story that I tell in the opening chapter.  The story illustrates in part why it is important for persons new to the corporate world to know that the mannerisms and behaviors that may have defined one’s time at school will simply not fly in an office environment. 

What are the three biggest mistakes that recent college grads are making as they enter the workforce and how can they fix them?
The three biggest mistakes that I have noticed are

• overconfidence
• a weak appreciation of time management
• poor communication

While confidence is by no means a bad thing and can do much to help recent college grads ascend the corporate ladder, they need to understand that while a college degree is a great achievement, it does not mean their learning days are over.  When it comes to time management, grads need to adopt a time management process so that they manage their workload properly (which is why in No Sneakers at the Office I devoted an entire chapter on this subject).  Grads must understand how to communicate successfully so that their message is received and understood by others.
 
What is it that recent college grads don't know that could hurt them?
It is not realizing the importance of their professional reputation. The business community is smaller than one realizes.  Your reputation influences employment where you work and where you may wish to work in the future.  

Give us a couple of examples of fresh-out success stories.
While on vacation standing at the check-in line at a hotel, I made small talk with a woman who subsequently introduced me to her son.  He and I spoke for a great length discussing topics from how to get hired to the difference between a job and a career, which I explain in my book.  From this conversation we continued to work to get him the position he wanted.  Because of his hard work improving his resume, improving his interview skills, and more, I am delighted to report that he got a position he likes.  Now, it is not the perfect position but it is a position that will allow for him to progress in his career path.  More importantly, his career is progressing successfully because he is not afraid to ask for help and he is open to new ideas.

What is it that you know for sure after writing this book?
The one thing I know for sure after writing this book is that learning is a lifetime process.  Even with my degrees and experience in the corporate world, there is not a day that goes by where I don’t learn something new.  I use the experiences, advice, and suggestions from people I meet to create an ever increasing toolkit of business skills and abilities.

No Sneakers at the Office makes a perfect graduation gift.  But you can bet they will roll their eyes when they open it.

Tell us your Office Lessons Learned Young through our comments window, or by joining our Facebook fanpage.  We'll be posting micro-excerpts from Scholl's guide throughout the day for your reactions.

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Please Speak Up

Instructor, Caroline Bender

File this under things the Finishing School will tell you that clearly no one else will:  You need to speak up.  Young ladies, this is not what we fought girls' gym, coffee runs, taking the notes in any meeting, and junior deputy assistant titles for -- for you to mutter, mumble, and talk in a high-pitched voice through a clenched jaw while looking at the floor.

Oh yeh, I am riled up now.  And you'd better believe I am not, like.... ending every phrase....?  in a, like... question...?  This behavior is exactly what we mean when we use the term "can't get out of your own way." 

Somewhere along that way, you have retreated from the awesome, cartwheeling, chatty 9-year olds you were into skittish pinch-voiced wallflowers, and it is holding you back.  I am not speaking to the 14 year-olds (though heaven knows we should be working on this with you) but to women in our workforce, 20s and early 30s, who can not command a room -- because we can not hear them.  Recently, I was making a purchase at a counter, and I could not hear the total price spoken to me by the cashier.  I said, with open FM throat, "I'm sorry?"  And, god bless her, she repeated it loudly. ( well, more loudly)

You may believe you have a soft voice, or a high-pitched one.  This does not prevent you from projecting it, and your ideas, to your audience (of 1 or of many).  A swallowed statement tells others
- what you say is not important
- you are not important enough to say it
- you are not sure about it
- you can not be bothered

And we know none of that is true.

Think of the women you admire in your workplace.  Think of the ones who command the respect of others, the ones everyone attends to when they are speaking, the ones other speakers choose to direct their eye contact to.  Pay attention to the way they speak.  Even our beloved Tess McGill knew what Katherine Parker had going on; her ethics and motives were questionable, but people listened when she spoke.  (That's a Working Girl reference, required viewing here at BWFS.)

We know you would be working on this if you only had some tips, so here a few ideas for how to improve your vocal projection, and by extension your professional confidence and standing.  You will be surprised by the results.

Listen to yourself - Record meetings that you attend, and especially those that you lead.  This can be done the old-fashioned way, with a hand-held recording device, by phone through your conference line, or on-line using a meeting management tool like WebEx or LiveMeeting.  In all cases, you'll want to announce to attendees that you are doing so, and ask if there are objections (this is actually a legal requirement in some states, so best to do it for all.)  It is not appropriate in all situations, so use your best judgment.  You do not have to tell people why -- you may say, for example, you've found it helpful for note-taking and action items (which it is).  Play it back on your own time and critique what you hear.

Work on your growth areas in small bites - Assess yourself on volume, "listenability," and content, of course.  I once worked with an experienced accomplished co-worker whose information bank I needed to draw from often.  Unfortunately, he did not modulate his pitch to a single degree.  My brain worked so hard to find the spaces between his words and the ones that required "punch," that I couldn't hang on to his meaning.

Experts recommend about 8 notes in your spoken words.  And the last word of the sentence should not be so much higher that people think you are asking a question.  It suggests uncertainty. Even high-pitched voices can project confidence -- any listen to NPR ought to convince you of that.

Identify your "um" noises - might be "like," "ya know," "know what I mean," or actually "um..." and "uh..."  Concentrate on letting them go.

Study others - speaking of which, here are some authoritative women's voices of varying types that share the commonality of holding your attention.  You don't need to be Oprah Winfrey to rule the platform, though she is a great bar to set.  (editorial note - these are mostly Youtube links.  We apologize for any ads you must endure)

High - Yeardley Smith (aka - Lisa Simpson, no one's shrinking flower).  Compare Yeardly to her interviewer, and you'll see the key difference
Low -  Rachel Maddow.  Here she is with a tableful of female tenors
Soft -  Katie Couric.  In this clip, Katie also talks about voice and body calibration.  Good tips here too.
Loud - Linda Ellerbee.   Way before her time -- TV had little space for her, since David Brinkley was still on the air.
Accented -  Nothing says authority like Christiane Amanpour
Impeded -  Ask Connie Chung if a lisp is a show stopper.  Then ask Sarah Vowell.
(and just for fun, Sarah on Rachel)

Practice - at every opportunity.  Privately, try reading aloud, singing in the shower, talking back to the TV, imitating actresses you admire.  Publicly, practice your meetings and presentations before you give them.  If you have mentors you trust to critique your work, take them into your goal and invite them to coach you before and  after your presentation.

There is a Toastmasters chapter within an hour of you -- maybe even less, maybe even on the job.  Toastmasters International, founded in 1924 is dedicated to "improv[ing]...communication and leadership skills, and [helping members]  find the courage to change." 

Learn when to stop speaking, as well as when to speak.  An opinion expressed well in a few words is always stronger than a filibuster that doesn't hold water.

Believe you can - You will see the rewards of positive speaking almost immediately.  Use the reactions of your audience to build on your confidence.

Repeat - The more you work on the things you want to improve, the more you succeed at doing so.

Outside Reading

Why public speaking skills are important

The Eloquent Woman -  helping help women with public speaking techniques, eloquence and confidence

10 Days to More Confident Public Speaking 

DVD: The Stress-Free Guide to Public Speaking and Presentations

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You can do anything for a year

Instructor, Caroline Bender  

The title of this essay is a common theme around the Finishing School.  We find platitudes to be useful devices, particularly when they can also serve as mantras.  We'll explore more of them in future installments, like "I'm a consultant," and "it's just something for the summer."  "Be careful what you wish for."  "Which would you regret more..."

These have been trying times, as we are all aware.  In the bleakness of the Mother of all Recessions, you may have taken the first thing that came along, or the part-time version of what you really wanted, or the position reporting to the position you are really qualified for.  And your faculty likely offered, in encouragement....

Experts may not be able to agree on how many days it takes to make a habit, but it takes at least a calendar year and a full 4 quarters of business year to understand what you have gotten yourself into.... and what you are getting out of it.

Happy Anniversary.  Getting through the first year is not the focus of this essay.  You do that by being dazzling, open-minded to the culture, and a valuable asset.  All the way to the bank.  This essay challenges you to face the second year.

Assess your goals - what were they for this job, really?  They have been completely pragmatic - keep the house, pay the bills, avoid new debt -- in which case, congratulations!  You met them!  They won't appear on your performance review, and it is best not to mention them among The Brass, but to yourself, say Atta Girl.  Then vow to drop 80's Lady bizslang.  It is not becoming.

Reassess your goals - if your goals were loftier, and remain unfulfilled, take some time to evaluate them with fresh eyes.  Take a couple of days for this assessment.  You need the time to really reflect, personal inventory style.  How did these goals fail to be met?  What part have you played in that?  You may have set goals that you realize can not be met in this environment.  If that's the case, shape that goal to something more attainable.  Remember to make it Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely.  If the original goal might still be attainable, review what part you played in missing it, and find incremental objectives for getting closer to that goal.

Not much of a goal-setter?  That happens.  Maybe you like to feel more "in the now" than that.  It is a legitimate lifeway.  However, it does require you to complain a lot less about where you are in that "now." Even Ekhart Tolle will tell you, "When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness."
So don't project goals; we won't make you.  Instead, your assignment is to reflect on the events of the day like this:

What did I not like about my workplace today?
How was that situation or event created?  How did I participate in it rather than turn it into something pleasant?
Yes, this takes a great deal of presence of energy.  But you're the one who wanted to live in the Now.

Plan.  or Dream.    Picture your next anniversary.  Imagine who you are in that picture, and what you can do (or not do) to realize that picture.  What part will you play in fulfilling such a prophecy?

Why not try this for a year?  We think you can do it.

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All the World’s a Stage

Guest Blogger Mary O'Donnell, Fundraiser, Performer...MBA

 Following up a recent Business Women’s Finishing School article about the work of a performer, I have expanded on some of the lessons from the theater world that can be applied in the corporate world.

1.      Be prepared.

Like a job interview, an audition is all about research and preparation.  I always read the play before I audition, and if it’s a musical, I familiarize myself with the score. I had the opportunity to audition for (name drop) Ben Affleck for the first movie he directed.  I got a call the day before the audition, bought the book and read it before the audition the next morning.  Although I did not get the part, he was impressed that I had read the book on such short notice so that I could better understand what he was looking for in the on-camera audition.

2.      Know the players and their expectations.

You often have one or two minutes to do a “cold reading” for a director or casting agent, so you’d better know as much about the client as you do about the characters before the audition.  On-camera auditions involve clients who have clear expectations about the age, hair color, etc. for their characters.  If they say memorize the script and wear a business suit, do it.

3.      Establish clear goals.

Theaters projects have short time frames and lots of moving parts in various stages at any point in time.  If the goals and timelines are not clear for all of the participants onstage and backstage, the project can grind to a halt.

4.      Focus on your own goals.

When you are onstage acting, singing and dancing, there is no room in your brain to think about anything else but executing the script, your own staging, props and costume changes. There is no point in worrying about what everyone else is doing or not doing. If everyone focuses on achieving their own prescribed goals, it all comes together like a quilt—a crazy quilt, but an integrated whole nonetheless. 

5.      Rally the troops around a single shared vision

In any theatrical production, there is a specific script, but each actor uses his or her unique skills and perspective to interpret that script to bring it to life. The director’s job is to bring out the best in every performer through a process of respecting the actors’ instincts and interpretations, having a solid vision for the end product, and helping all the actors achieve that shared vision.

6.      Don’t take feedback personally

In the theater world, rejection is constant, and you can’t take it personally.  I go into every audition doing my best, but I know that there are too many elements of the audition outside my control.  The local theater circuit is a very small world with a smaller number of directors who have their friends, and cliques reign. A director may have very strong ideas about the physical “type” required for a role.  Sometimes you’re just not the vision the director has in his or her brain, and it’s more about your build and hair color than how well you read in an audition.  Accept it, and move on to the next project. 

7.      “There are no small parts, only small actors.”

Everyone is essential to success of a theatrical production.  Period.  See #8, #9 and #10.

8.      It takes a village

The people the audience never sees usually outnumber the performers onstage and are vital to the success of a show:  the guy backstage who built and moves the set pieces, the person who figures out a special effect, the lighting designer, the prop person who creates the 1959 newspaper, the costume designer, the stage manager who runs the show, and the volunteers who do the publicity.  This is a team effort, and everyone needs to pitch in on some less glamorous parts of the project to get the job done. 

9.      With concerted effort by all, today’s chaos can be tomorrow’s success.

“Tech week” is the week just before a theatrical production opens.  The set is onstage for the first time, the technical people are setting light cues, the orchestra is suddenly there, actors have quick costume changes to figure out, and everyone’s patience is tested.  Tech week is a very compressed version of a product launch where what looks like a looming disaster on Sunday becomes Friday’s successful opening night.

10.  It’s a small world

Your reputation can be broken in an instant.  One false step, diva moment or negative remark will be transmitted cryptically through Facebook status and backstage conversations, reaching everyone in the theater microcosm.  As Heidi Klum says on Project Runway, “One minute you’re in , and the next you’re out!”  If you have a reputation for being difficult to work with or unable to be a team player, you will not get the part.

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You’re Just Not That Into Me (the introvert’s guide to attending a conference)

Guest Blogger, Lisa Petrilli, C-Level Strategies & Awakenings

The faculty and staff of BWFS&SC welcome to the blogosphere Lisa Petrilli and her site, newly launched and already generating volumes of commentary and an envious amount of Twitter Traffic.  Lisa kindly gave permission to reprint the article below.  See its original form and the comments it generated here.
We are adding C-Level Strategies to our blogroll, and look forward to a shared student body.

 Mack Collier wrote an exceptional post last week called, “The Introvert’s Guide to Speaking.” As both a speaker and an introvert myself, I found the post very relatable and was touched by Mack’s raw candor in regard to his speaking fears.

There is another fear that most introverts (and many extroverts) have when attending a conference or networking event that I’d like to address; the fear that no one will want to talk to us.  You know what I’m talking about, right?

To be honest, I used to avoid networking events if I was not absolutely sure that someone I knew would be there – someone for me to “hang out with.” This was a real detriment to my career as it drastically limited my exposure to executives outside of my little “bubble,” and prevented me from making wonderful new business connections.

Here’s what I dreaded: the moment when you walk into a room and you search the faces of people who are there, looking for someone who seems interested and willing to talk with you.  And what I always got back (in reality, what I thought I was getting back) was the professional version of “I’m just not that into you…”

It played in my head as, “these execs don’t think I’m at a high enough level to be interesting,” “they are not interested in my connections,” “they don’t see any value in getting to know me…”

All of this changed for me the day I was hired by Andy Whitman to work with MENG, the Marketing Executives Networking Group.  When you’re consulting for a company with the word “networking” in its name you’d better know a thing or two about it!  Working with Andy was a tremendous blessing because he is an extraordinary networker and I was able to watch and learn from the best.

What did I learn from Andy Whitman that all introverts should know?

1.  Virtually everyone – executives, assistants, musicians, introverts, extroverts, you name it - is uncomfortable to various degrees at networking events and conferences because it forces us as humans to go outside our comfort zone.  Thus, I was not alone.

2.  Many people have a hard time being the one to extend themselves and have that same “they’re just not into me” tape playing in their head.

3.  If I extended myself – made the first effort to extend my hand, introduce myself and offer a very genuine smile, 90% of the time I was actually helping the other person out immeasurably! I was putting others at ease.

4.  When I learned to enthusiastically make that first, warm, genuine introduction of myself, what I received back was invariably a warm, genuine “it’s so nice to meet you” in response! It was like magic I had never known about…no one had actually been sending me an “I’m not into you” signal – it was all in my head!

A few weeks ago I had the great fortune of attending SOBCon 2010 – a small conference made up of some of the greatest minds in social media, many well-known social media “celebs” included.  I was admittedly quite nervous about attending but I extended myself on every occasion possible and you know what?  I discovered that many of the social media ”celebs” are actually quite shy themselves!

Instead of just assuming that “they weren’t into me” because I wasn’t a celeb, I introduced myself and received back such warm and often enthusiastic responses, that it was clear they appreciated my effort. 

So, my dear introverted friends, the next time you are invited to a networking event or you go to a conference:
1. Go - don’t back down and make an excuse not to go, you’ll miss out on the opportunity to meet amazing people who could become great collaborators or even friends. Take advantage of all the networking opportunities that the event or conference offers you.

2. Walk in the room with a genuine, warm smile.

3. Extend your hand, smile, and say “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met, I’m so and so, it’s so nice to meet you” and see what unfolds for you!

Wishing you exciting new experiences! Please share your thoughts and experiences  in the comments - I’d love to know if any of you have had similar experiences and how you’ve handled them!

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(book review) The Complete Guide to the Gap Year

Instructor, Caroline Bender

It is Spring in the hearts and minds of high school graduates and their parents everywhere.  In many homes, the arrival of the daily mail is a reason for gathering – sorting the fat envelopes from the skinny ones.  It is a bleak job market these new grads face.  Sadly, college may not be an immediate option for some of them, whose family future planning has been altered by unforeseen financial hardships.

The Class of 2010 may turn to the Gap Year in higher numbers than we have seen since draft deferments put working post-adolescence out of fashion.  For those considering time off between High School and College (or wondering if the investment of college will yield any higher rewards than not-college in the high-tech information/service sector age), The Finishing School recommends Kristen M White’s The Complete Guide to the Gap Year.

There are many such volumes produced every few years.  (You will see another 2009 guide in our book carousel at right).  As you might expect, reference like this are difficult to keep up to date, so you want to be sure you are selecing as current a version as you can before you call WorldCom about their entree level rotation program.  White's volume is about 40% directory, and a wide-range of opportunities it is, too -- including international service organizations, adventure-based leadership experiences, sports, academic, environmental, and language study.

The opening section breaks down the Gap Year decision and how to make it, establishing first and formost that is is not a vacation.  The Obama Administration's encouragement of a Service Year for all Americans has created new opportunities and highlighted long-standing ones such as AmeriCorps and the NCCC.  White writes that the Obama Administration "will also offer a $4000 tax credit in exchange for one hundred hours of public service per year, which will put the volunteer gap year within reach for many, many more students." (p 19)  The American Opportunity Tax Credit is part of the ARRA ("the stimulus"), and you can find out more here.

This book is written for serious-minded young people, and assumes a level of commitment and maturity of its reader.  Compared to the typical high school textbook, The Complete Guide seems almost dull, as if the author expects the student might only be reading one idea at a time!  Do not expect a lot of worksheets, assessments, CD-ROM companion videos or keywords in margin notes.  In fact, don't expect photographs and illustrations -- there are a few sidebars and one "ask yourself" box, but generally, this is straight information, delivered plainly.  Parents may wish to work through this with their student if s/he is not one to sit still for a 19-page opening chapter with only one "personal profile box."

You'll want to jump first to the Chapter Financing Your Gap Year for a breakdown of programs that are acually Free, Low-Cost, or federally assisted, and to learn more about scholarships, loans and grants for gap year experiences, support for sibling overlap (if your gap eventually  puts you and your brother in college at the same time, for example), an understanding of the tax deduction, and suggestions on extended health insurance.  With the financial fears addressed, you will be more open to the rest of White's message.

Most importantly, she explores the benefits of a year's experience -- a bridge or foundation year more than something to fill "a gap."  This is a real life-skill and career building option for today's graduate, which should not be dismissed as frivilous or unaffordable.

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The Kumbaya File

Instructor, Caroline Bender
Like many things I learned in the world of work,I learned this practice in the trenches with my foxhole buddy Jay. I was reminded of it today, when one of our favorite trench writers Pam Slim, of Escape from Cubicle Nation, guest posted on Gapingvoid.com an essay called "you, less than."  That is a lot of blogrolling.  Let me get to my point.  There is a lot more to click below.

In the course of your work life, you will encounter many stumbles where you may question your competence, your worthiness, the gifts and skills you came in with.  Sometimes this will go on for years -- but most of the time it is a momentary hiccup that left unmanaged could bring you to your knees.  Sometimes, your self-doubt is correct -- you really do need to kick it in gear and rediscover that other version of you lost in the shadows of your stress and "fatalistic attitude."

Prepare for these lean times by setting up your stores in times of plenty.  When you are paid a compliment, an especially nice Thank You, or a certificate of achievement, file it away in a place where you can retrieve it when you need that reminder.  Every child knows how to start and keep a treasure box, and somewhere along the way we stop doing it.  It doesn't mean we stop needing a moment to lie on our beds and sift through those small and seemingly insignificant things that are important to us.

In our youthful management days before electricity, the Kumbaya File was a green Pendaflex, mixed in with all the others that we literally named "Kumbaya."  Today, for me,  it is an email or desktop folder, though I still call it Kumbaya.  Some of the contents are formal and flowery, some are snarky and insidery.  Some say hello and some say good-bye.  What they have in common is they make me feel good about myself and remind me of the great rewards that come from random acts of professional kindess.  Artifacts like these can keep you grounded.
 
Remember to give as well as receive.  End this week by acknowledging one of your co-workers today.  Tell them something they do that you admire and ask for nothing in return.  And thank God it's Friday.

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Working the Network Works

Instructor, Caroline Bender

The trade publications refer to “the hidden job market.” These are the jobs that are not advertised, and in spite of their invisibility, someone estimates that 80% of available jobs are not advertised. It is not entirely clear how that is calculated. What matters to you, the job seeker, is that these jobs are as abundant now as they have ever been. And they are available to you if you understand where to look.

Why is there a hidden job market?

Advertising is still expensive, online or off, and in a 10% (or higher in some regions and industries) unemployment situation, posting an ad opens a floodgate of applications an employer can’t manage because he laid off his recruiting staff in the last go-round. Better to put the word out quietly, in a controlled settling, than to post in so public a forum as a website, newspaper, or trade journal.

Referrals are more reliable – for everyone involved. Even the Navy knows that a buddy system improves retention . The referring employee is endorsing both the company and the candidate, the candidate can get the real skinny on life at the Company, and the Hiring Manager gets a name he can put right to the top of the stack.
 Jobs are often created for a specific need, or to suit a specific internal candidate, where insider knowledge is so crucial you wouldn’t want anyone but the person you already have in mind. How often have you said in your own work situation, “I wish we had an Anne to put on this problem,” or “Martin would be at his best if we could find a way to let him analyze data all day long”?
 So how does one find this job market if it is invisible?

You’ve got to work your network. Because working your network works.


This is not a paragraph about “social networking,” Tweeting, status updates or YouTube job posting. This is not a strategy for amassing the largest number of names you can in order to hit them up for jobs. This is simply about staying connected with the people you know, and letting them help you achieve your goals.

The people you know are your “lower-case f” friends, your family, your former colleagues and classmates. Social networking sites and tools may make it easy to connect, but not if you are doing it shallowly. If you are doing it well, a beer or a phone call will do. And guess what, Workforce America, it’s not just when the chips are down, either. You’ve got to actually think about other people, and tell them when you do. Help them when they ask, and ask for help when you need it. Roll a few logs and actually build that relationship and you will be surprised at what you can accomplish together.

I have a friend/mentor/former co-worker that I chat with online on occasion, and yes we are networked 4 ways. But we also write notes to each other (stamps, envelopes, and all!) and about once a month we find a way to meet for coffee on a Sunday morning and share ideas. When she broke her ankle, I came by to keep her company; when I lost power during an ice storm, she put me up. And when she heard about a shift in her company that implied an opportunity I might take advantage of, she let me know.

That opportunity stalled in its growth stage. She spread the word about me, and sparked some interest, but the change wasn’t getting off the ground. I soldiered on where I was until 4 months later, when I was laid off from my job.


Enter now a different friend, one I had not heard from in nearly 15 years. For a time, we had been quite close, but her career pursuits took her across country and Life happened to the both of us. I will admit that we reconnected through the new-fangled social networking you are so tired of hearing about, but it was our original old-fashioned friendship that made the reconnection such an ease and a pleasure. When she heard I had been laid off, she asked, “What are you looking for? My company has some new openings…”

And it turned out it was the same company.

These two colleagues, who knew each other so well, who both thought of me as a match for their company, had no idea that they both knew me. Our relationships were so far apart in years and makeup that we were all dumb-founded to learn of this connection. I brushed up the resume again, and I was reintroduced as a candidate. In February, I started working at that company.

Your network will not get you jobs, you know that. Even the friend who directly hires you is not hiring you out of friendship. The stakes are too high for that. They are hiring you for your skills, your style, and the history of success (both personal and professional) you are bringing to that job. You are literally seeing return on your investment.

You don’t have to be friends with everyone you work with; you don’t have to center your personal life around your work. What you do have to do is invest a little of the personal in the professional, and the other way around to be “top of mind” when the subject of great fit and match is on the table.

Give of yourself to the people you know. Notes, emails, phone calls, (a text or a “poke” if that is your vibe), keep the connection alive.


Care about what happens to people you no longer work with, live near, room with, or play with, and find a way to visit with them. Not because it may someday lead to a job, but because you like them. And they are nice to be with.


Promise to check in, and keep that promise. This is where so many of us lose our network. Friendships take time and effort, but in both cases, small quantities suffice. Sitting sidelines at the soccer game, shopping for new shoes, shooting hoops, taking the baby around the block, telling someone you thought of them today.


Strive to be the amazing person your friends think you are. They do, you know. You don’t get it, because frankly they are so amazing with all they manage, that why would they think twice about you? You’re both wrong. You’re both right. Live up to the hype.


Offer to help, to keep company, to watch the kids, to send a care package, to write a letter of reference, to put in a good word.

Accept the same in return.  Reciprocity happens when you need it most.

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Working from home: A personal cost/benefit analysis

Our recent discussions of working from home, at-home parenting, and commuting have sparked a lot of commentary.  Guest blogger Dichotomom contributes this reflection from her website. Note that this is Summer 2008, when the cost of commuting had become restrictive, particularly in traffic-burdened New England.

The other day I rushed to pick up my sweet, innocent little boy from camp. When I scooped him up in a hug, he scowled and pulled away, “Uh, Mommy, you wore that yesterday. And the day before,” he said, disgusted. “And your hair smells yucky.”
Busted. Such is the life of a work from home mother.

I love working from home. I think it’s just about the best benefit any company can offer, particularly when I think about balancing my work and my life. And now, with gas costing upwards of $4/gallon, more and more people are doing it.

Telecommuting really makes my life work. While I can’t say that working from home is going to save the world, it sure keeps my work/life/work/life roller coaster on track. Plus, it really appeals to my cheap side. Honestly if someone told me I had to come into the office every day, I would ask for a raise. A pretty big raise. The other night my husband and I were tallying the costs of commuting from my lovely suburb 20 miles west of Boston into the city. Now, this was cocktail napkin figuring, but here’s what we came up with:

• Keeping son in daycare an extra 1.5 hours/day = $175 more a month
• Keeping daughter in daycare an extra 1 hour/day = $50 more a month
• Parking = $300 more a month
• Gas = $300 more a month
• Food/coffee (let’s say I’m really good and bring my lunch half the time) = $150 more a month

Add in clothes, makeup, shoes (all that stuff that I frankly don’t put any effort into right now) and I'm saving about $1,000 a month by not commuting!

HOWEVER, working from home does have some costs, some of which are very high and should be taken into consideration:

• It’s freezing cold. Or it's blazing hot. This past winter was one of the coldest, snowiest of record in Boston, and the oil man cameth. So, to save some dough, the heat in my house automatically kicked off at 8 a.m. Thus, I spent most of my day wearing three sweatshirts and blasting a space heater at my feet. And, now that suburban Boston has decided that it wants to become SoFla with humidity at 110% this summer, I'm dealing with the other extreme, with the added bonus of frizzy hair.
• My house is a mess. Because I’m here all day, I figure I can throw in the laundry or do the dishes at any time. Except I don’t…
• I don’t exercise. In fact, I sit on my bottom for hours at a time. I’m so lazy that I even wheel myself around my little office on my chair.
• I munch. Sometimes all day. But, there’s a trade-off: I have to get off my chair to get to the kitchen (I can’t wheel there because there’s a small step).
• I look like hell. I only wear jeans and sweatshirts, or shorts and t-shirts. My hair is in a ponytail. My makeup is drying out in a case in the back of the vanity. I don’t shower. Well, not as often as I should (is that too much information?). Seriously, though, at 4:55, five minutes before I’m due to pick up my kids at school, I rush upstairs and do a quick rinse. I hardly ever wash my hair—I don’t have time.
• I am a social half-wit …I have tons of “virtual” friends online, but I’ve forgotten how to make small talk in person!
• I never turn off the computer--“Just one more check of email” is my mantra.

I know, I know, I’ve got to draw my own boundaries. I have to shut off the computer and walk away. I have to brush my hair. But, I’m so productive! And I’m spending all of my non-work time with my kids! And I respond to all my emails!

So, I have to ask myself if my plummeting self-esteem is a fair tradeoff for the time I get with my family. Right now, while my kids are young, I think it is…at least until they mandate webcams in the next roll-out of laptops.

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A Working Mother's Rant

Our Guest Blogger writes The Dyer Family, which she describes as a series of "semi-daily diatribes."  In this one, she ponders whether raising children should have turned her into the kind of person she has never really been anyway. 

I am no good at a stay-at-home mother, and I don't know why....or do I?

Let's back up.  I am a working mother.  I teach school full time, and I have two very small children who spend their days at day care. 
No, it's not the most preferable option, but it's what we've got.

There are times that I hate working - hate every second of it.  I hate being busy all the time and living in squalor.  I hate missing my children's parties at their school and I hate that I can't join mommy groups or be the room mother or organize play dates.  I hate that I see my sixth graders more than I see my own children.  I hate racing to the grocery store for a few quick items after my rushed, too-short-to- make-a-difference workout followed by blowing through the day care to grab my kids before they feel completely abandoned.  I hate the $1200 check I write to day care each month, and I hate the year-end statement I just received for my taxes.

Even more than that, I hate the stay-at-home moms that you see at Target or Kroger.  They all seem to know each other and they are dressed in their standard work-out wear wardrobe that goes with their tight asses, which get that way from the hour a day they get to spend at the gym.  They stop in the middle of aisles to talk to each other, smugly not caring whose path they are blocking while their well-behaved children sit quietly in the grocery cart not begging for anything and not attempting an escape.  Their teeth look great because they have time to make it to the dentist every 6 months, their hair looks amazing because they have time to make a standing, monthly salon appointment.  Their clothes look great because they have time to wash and properly fold them.  I hate these women because they do everything I want to do with my days, and they do it better.

Would I spend my days productively if I got to stay at home? 

Sometimes, I doubt it.  I recently stayed home with my 10 month-old bundle of love while she healed from a double ear infection and double pink eye.  I can say that I managed to shower that day, but little else was done.  During her morning nap, I was aware of the laundry that needed to be done and the floors that needed to be vacuumed, but once I halfway unloaded the dishwasher, I sat on the bed and blankly stared at morning TV while facebooking and napping.  I was hungry and I had to pee for a period of time, but the effort it took to get up and do those things was a little much for me.

Is this who I am?  An insufferably lazy mother with zero-to-little housekeeping skills and absolutely no wherewithal to create structure and schedules without the confines of work?

Did we manage to get out that day, my tiny child and I?  Yes, we did. 
We managed to make a deposit at the bank drive-through, pick up a strawberry limeade at Sonic because Mama was thirsty, then we stopped off at my school so I could use the bathroom and the office ladies could fawn over my baby.  Yes, that's right, I had a day off and I spent at least 30 minutes of it at work.  I am pathetic.

Ok, so where does this leave me?  Do I lack the stay-at-home mom personality trait?  Do I have a total inability to create home structures?  It's possible.

I do enjoy crappy TV and an unhealthy snack, and I never was good at keeping a gym membership.  What made me think I would change into a responsible person when I became a  mother?  It seems that I have reached an impasse.  I cannot change. 

Work is what drives me, whether I enjoy the hard work or not, it gets me out of bed and forces me to maintain some sort of structure.  No, my house will never be immaculate, no my fridge will never be fully, perfectly stocked, yes my pants will always look a little wrinkled, and yes my kids will learn to hold on tight and enjoy the ride,  I might be able to achieve these things with a full time assistant and a monthly supply of ADD medication, but those are not luxuries enjoyed by the working, strapped-for-cash, frantic mother.

Related reading, for fun and otherwise:
I don't Know How She Does It
This is How We Do It
How She Really Does It

Your comments also help a great deal

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Commuting: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Instructor Maggie, career secretary and commuter
 

Not everyone has the luxury of walking to work or even having a short drive anymore, thus “commute” is a big part of our lives. Sometimes it can be both bad and ugly. Bad when others drive too fast and try to push us; ugly when the weather works against us.  But find the Good - and put it first.

The company for which I work recently moved into its new headquarters building about 20 miles closer to my house and for the first couple of weeks the conversations in the elevator were “How’s your commute?”

It’s interesting to see how folks adjust to changes that affect that particular aspect of their day. The first couple of weeks, they check with each other to see who really has to commute further than they do and smile quietly to themselves because they no longer have a long commute. As the days progress, they compare different routes (and toll plazas) trying to figure out better ways to get from home to work and back. They also must learn new alternate routes if their preferred way has traffic issues on any given morning.


Just this morning I had a need to be at our former location and I wondered how I did that every day for 3.5 years! When I was asked back then "how do you do it," I usually replied, “Oh you get used to it.” And you do – until it’s time to change something else.

I have been commuting for the past 35 years – sometimes 10-15 minutes one way and more recently 45 – 55 minutes one way. Up until the move, my commute was about 90 miles a day, roundtrip. It is now 50 miles a day.   I have lost half of the upside to my commute.

What is the upside to commuting? For me, it has allowed me to leave work at work and home at home. This in turn has helped keep the insanity at bay.

I’ve tried listening to books but that didn’t work out so well for me – hard to focus on the story, the traffic and driving safely all at the same time! What works best for me is “elevator music” on the radio without a lot of talking. Don’t laugh – it really does soothe.

What I liked best about the length of the commute was that I could use it to “dump” all my at-home issues from my mind and prepare for my workday by making a mental ‘to-do’ list. On the way home, I can then “dump” the office and all that entails so that I can focus on what needs to be done or where I need to go when I get home.

One caveat – watch out for the homeward dump! If I had done everything at home that I’ve carefully planned out in my head (such as painting, new curtains, new anything, remodel, yard work, gardening – to name a few) my house would be a lead article in Southern Living and House Beautiful at the same time!! Other times, it’s “What shall I fix for dinner?” “What’s on TV tonight?” “Can the laundry wait another day?” “If I stop at the grocery store, what shall I get?’’ Shall I wait until Saturday and make a list?”

Just don’t think about work! If you can avoid it, don’t take it home with you at all!


My adjustment right now is realizing that I have a bit less time to process the same amount of data in both directions, so right now I’m finding that I am at home before I’m done and at work before I’m quite ready. I imagine it won’t be long before I will either process less or do it faster. I’ll let you know. What I am liking is that now I drive fewer miles a day and buy gas once a week instead of twice. Eventually it all evens out!

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The Three Step Formula for Redefining Life Balance

Guest Blogger, Charlene, The Balance Beam.


A lot of people make an immediate mental leap from "life balance" to "work/life balance."

Newsflash: "Work/life" balance is a misnomer. Yes, work is a part of life. But so are family, education, community and taking care of yourself so you can handle it all.

The impossible quest for "work/life" balance somehow says that work and life are on the same playing field, vying for position. It implies teeter-totter energy. It assumes that when one side goes up, the other goes down and vice versa.There is a perpetual give and take... with parallel neutrality being the ideal scenario.

Personally I think this is neither realistic nor desirable.

First of all, I'm not sure we want our lives to be "neutral." Surely we have more ambition than that! Most career-minded individuals I know want life to include some measure of hard work and I'm sure any boss we’ve ever had would be happy to know this.

Life is a juggling act, not a teeter-totter ride. Work is just one ball in the mix.

Here's the real secret: Life balance is not about keeping all those balls in the air in perfect rhythm at all times. Of course we try. It's important to have strategies around getting stuff done.

Still, the world is an unpredictable place and let's face it, we're human. Sometimes those balls are going to drop through some misstep of our own or with the help of others. We may even lose a ball for a while. Sometimes it feels like we are juggling bowling balls. They may turn into a little evil monster heads and try to eat our face. Like I said before, stuff happens.

The thing to remember is that true life balance is internal.

What's most important is the balance within you -- your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual self. When those things are in harmony, the objects of external life can explode into flaming stink bombs and you'll be just fine.

So how exactly do we get to that place of inner harmony while mired in the stress and demands of “external” day-to-day life?

Next time you feel “out of balance,” focus on three steps:
1. Internal -- Transform thoughts, feelings, words, feeding only positive energy.

When you find yourself thinking or saying such sentiments as, “What a horrible day!” “I’m so tired.” “My boss is such a (fill in the blank) “I’m not making enough money!” STOP. Energy flows where attention goes. You get back what you put out. Only invest in the positive.

2. External -- Engage in healthy, healing actions.
This may require honesty as well as discipline. Put forth the effort to align actions with goals. There’s an old saying, “Trust in God but tie your horse to the post.” If you see your horse galloping away, start being real about what part you may have played in that misfortune. And, learn how to tie a good knot already.

The key is starting. Not tomorrow, not on Monday, not on the first full moon of the leap year. NOW. Whether its meditation, fitness, a creative outlet or whatever; focus on daily activities which are aligned with your life balance goals.

3. Support -- Ask for help.
Get feedback, physical assistance, accountability and/or just the time and space for steps #1 and #2 to be possible. We don’t need to do anything alone.Many of us grew up such that we view asking for help as a sign of weakness. It’s actually a sign of strength. If you don’t feel comfortable leveraging your “in real life” network, there is a virtual support system for just about anything.

Practicing these steps will provide you with the balanced internal foundation needed to cope, problem solve, persist and overcome anything that comes your way.


Including evil monster heads.

Related Resources
Life is NOT a Teeter-Totter
Find Your Strongest Life (Marcus Buckingham book)
Find Your Strongest Life  (book review)
How I Took Back My Life Through the Miracle of Outlook

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Ask a Manager: What should we focus on for the new year?

Guest Lecturer, Dick Whitman, Manager in Residence 

What goals would you recommend our readers focus on at work for the new year? (e.g.what general skills should most people take more time to develop? What could women in particular do better at?)

You might have noticed that a lot of my answers to these questions have taken on a theme of “it’s not about you / it’s about the business.” Perhaps this is because a lot of the questions I’ve been getting have been about some sort of negotiation that is taking place in the workplace, where I maintain that you can be so much more effective in sticking to the facts.

I saw one of your (wise, charming) readers post a reply to the post about how women can hurt their own careers with some insight into the way women answer unreasonable requests with “it can’t be done” while men tend to turn the situation on it’s ear and lay out the scenario in which “it” could be done. I think this analysis is dead on.

While I referred to this just now as negotiation, I think the overall category is bigger than that. At the core of it all is interpersonal communication. It’s pretty big if you think about it. Ultimately we want to be successful in getting what we want. In the professional world, we use our communication skills to achieve this, just as a welder uses a blowtorch and a tailor uses a needle and thread.

Understanding how we communicate is just as important as the mastery of any tool by the person using it. Unfortunately, looking at how you communicate through your own lens is only part of the solution. It is more important to understand how you are perceived by others. You might be throwing off signals that are unknown to you but which can cause others to perceive you negatively without your knowledge.

It is hard to generalize and suggest a course of treatment that works for everyone, so I will recommend a more personal approach for you to meet your goals. I’m a big fan of gathering feedback from others. It can be something formal like a 360 review, but it certainly doesn’t have to be. Try having some one-on-one conversations with people that you interact with and whom you respect. See if you can get them to give you some input on how you are perceived.

Of course, it is very hard to get someone to open up with constructive criticism, but if you make it clear that you are trying to grow, you just might be surprised at the help you get. The key is to set up a non-threatening environment for the person you are talking to: nods and clarifying questions are much better than disgusted looks and folded arms. One trick about gathering constructive feedback from someone who is otherwise a fan is to ask the question this way: “what is one thing that you think I can do to improve at [insert lofty goal here].” The person you are talking to is more likely to understand that no one is perfect and it’s ok to call out just one. From there, you can ask for examples around where and how this issue has come up.

If you can stay mindful of the perceptions that others have of you, you will be on your way to changing the ones you don’t like so much. In the process, you will probably find that your openness to feedback will strengthen the relationships that you have with the people who have helped you to gather it.

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