Business Women's Finishing School & Social Club

Guest Lecturer, Dick Whitman, Manager in Residence 

Dear Manager,

My company recently opened up a new office in the city about 30 miles from where we work. They moved my group to the new building, which requires us to pay for parking ($200/month) or take the commuter train & subway (about $300 / month). This has created a hardship for many, and at the least is creating a new cost just to keep showing up to work. Many important people are starting to give notice, and many more are looking. Upper management has said they are working to get us some kind of stipend, but that was a couple mponths ago and I'm losing hope in that.

This is the backdrop to my dilemma. Out of the blue I was told I was being promoted to "senior", with no extra pay and a vague promise of extra stock at bonus time (which will vest over 4 years). It really doesn't affect my day to day worklife in any way, and was not expected. One other person on the team was also given a senior title. The two of us have been working long hours on high visibility projects for the last year or two, and we were told that they wanted to acknowledge our contributions with a title that fit our level of responsibility. This is nice, but I don't need a title, and don't really know how to intepret this. It would seem that they want to reach out to top performers to keep them from jumping ship, but I'd rather have the company subsidize my monthly train pass, since in reality I'm making $3000 less per year due to commuting costs and I'm spending 3 hours less per day with my family.

What is your perspective as a manager? What does this kind of action mean? How should I react?

Should I:
A. Be grateful for some job security in tough economic times, I'm lucky to be employed
B. Accept that they sincerely want to reward me for my work but truly have no budget for a wage increase or stipend
C. Be insulted - now they can give me even more work and I'll be dumb enough to feel good about it
D. Negotiate, the commute is costing me a lot and I don't want to end up leaving a job I like because of commuter burn out.
E. Feel good that I'm valued and wait patiently for more financial rewards down the road.

My answer to this is somewhat “most of the above”. You’ve got a tough situation, and I think you need to break it down a little bit more. I see two distinctly separate things going on here. I think it would help you to think about them as such. I know it is hard when it is all happening to you and it is all part of your work experience, but since you are trying to make sense of the actions that your company is taking – to interpret the motivation behind them -- I see the grouping as dangerous and misleading for you.

First, the promotion: This is something that was done within your more immediate chain of command, and it is more specific to you as an employee. I think you should look at it first as recognition for a job well done. You are right in that titles are not the most important thing, but from your employer’s standpoint, it is a way to differentiate you from others, to call out the fact that you are a high-performer and that you know what you are doing. The senior title – as well as the promotion – has value on your resume; the fact that you have earned it should be a point of pride for you. You can look at it as “they are just trying to keep me from quitting”, but I suspect that if that was their only motive, and they were truly concerned, they would have found a way to increase your salary with it. The fact that it was just the change in title tells me that they are trying to do right by you in some way, even if they can’t justify a pay increase at this time.

I have had some situations where I have brought someone in at a senior pay rate but without the title, based upon past employment history. Then after seeing the person’s work, I determined that the senior title was warranted to go with the pay. I don’t know if that was a factor here, but in general, I would say that the title coming by itself is just a form of recognition and differentiation. Maybe they think that it is enough of a retention incentive on its own, but you might sleep better if you just think of it as your management ensuring that you have a title (if not the pay) that is appropriate for the work you do. And if you are already working hard, I don’t think you need to think they are trying to get you to work harder. It is very rare to promote someone in hopes that you will make them more productive. Employees earn the promotion before they get it. In short, this doesn’t have to be a big deal, but it is still ok to feel good about it, and I wouldn’t go looking for a hidden motive other than an attempt do show some recognition. Congratulations, I say.

As for the move and the commute, this is not something that is happening to you alone. It sounds like it is affecting many people. If the company has made vague commitments around making this right, then it is reasonable for you to continue to ask about it. You might approach your manager -- or better yet, your HR department -- and say something like, “I really like working here, but I am having trouble covering the additional expense since the move. Can you tell me if anything is being done about this, and if not, is there an opportunity for me to work from home part of the week or work in the other location?(or some other solution you might find to be a fair compromise)”

Then you see what they say. If the answer is “we’re working on it”, then you can ask when they think they will know, and if the answer to that is “I don’t know”, then you can ask if you can follow up on it in a few weeks. The key is to be persistent without being threatening. You need to make them understand that you want to make this work, but the situation is impacting your ability to provide for your family while continuing to work there. Ultimately, if you do not get any relief, you need to decide whether the job is worth the net income that you get after these expenses.

I would not consider this as part of your pay / promotion situation because you will end up personalizing something that was the result of a company cost-cutting measure (the move). As a result, you will have a pile of seemingly negative scenarios compounded into one, floating around in your head to make you feel bad and distract you from your work and your life. Also, in bundling them (assuming you get someone to listen to you) you might end up with a raise instead of the stipend to cover the parking fees. If this happens, the raise potentially ends up bringing you back to your starting point, and the opportunity for a true increase based on your performance is gone. If you can get a stipend for the parking situation, you can still negotiate a higher salary later without appearing to be “going to the well” too many times.

You are lucky to have a job, but that doesn’t mean you just have to accept everything that happens no matter what. My advice is to question what you don’t understand, and in doing so, try to get at the business needs that are being addressed by the company’s decisions. From there, it is up to you to decide whether your situation is acceptable for your own personal needs.

Some 2nd and 3rd opinions on topics we covered this week:

Waggleforce is a network of career clubs that provide a 10-week course of action for managing your job search.  If you are feeling lost and un-energized, if you have tried the local job center and found it wanting, find a local Waggleforce to connect with.  You will need to register before you can explore the tools, and most clubs will charge a fee for pay for materials.  You may also find success forming a club of your own with former colleagues, alumni, sorority sisters, even your book club has some percentage of members "in transition." 

We have not talked about the Jobs Summit in the space, but we can connect you to a couple of sites that are.  One CEO's open letter to the President was published on the Huffington Post and responds to most of the major points raised at the Summit.  Sphere takes an angle on the CEOs in attendance who represent some of this year's significant losses.

Recently one of our readers brought to our attention the role that childcare service can play in choosing a gym membership, which led us to this resource on licensure of in-gym childcare.  The article is from last year, and tips you off to what questions you should ask and assumptions you should not make.

Dayton Business Journal quotes BWFS member/reader Jay Hargis of HRCleanup.

We'll recommend another read -- good for both New Professionals and the Seasoned among you starting a new job, perhaps after several years as an expert on your last one: Michael Watkins' The First 90 Days.  Check out this article ("What to Do in the First 100 Days of Your New Job")  as well, from CIO.com.

Have a great weekend!

Freshman seminar with Miss Minchin

Required Reading:
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
George K. Simon, Jr., Ph. D.

The most dangerous of all workplace dangers, the manipulative coworker has mastered the art of aggression disguised as helpfulness, good intentions, or working "for the good of the company". These people are brilliant at hiding their true motives, while making you look incompetent, uncooperative, or self-centered. They can make you lose your job, do their job for them, or even get you to apologize to *them* for trying to confront them about their own bad behavior. As Dr George K. Simon explains in his book, without the ability to recognize these "wolves in sheep's clothing", you are at risk of becoming their next victim.

Recognize who they are and what they want
In order to deal effectively with manipulative coworkers, managers, etc. you must first understand what they are all about. This involves letting go of preconceptions you might have about why they do what they do.

Jan Wiley* had had enough of Susan's sniping during team meetings. Susan regularly singled her out and critiqued her efforts to the most trivial detail, while practically sleeping through the presentations of others. Jan decided to address the issue with Susan in private, and get the problem squared away. She was not prepared to see this seemingly strong woman burst into tears at the mention of the issue, sobbing about how hard she has it at work and how she puts in so many hours because she just wants to company to do well, and never gets to see her family.

Jan thought 'Wow, Susan is really under a lot of pressure, that's why she lashed out at me in the meeting. I must have made her feel threatened or insecure in some way. I'm being really hard on her and she's just trying to make this group successful.' Jan backed off and dropped the matter. When the sniping continued, Jan tried to be understanding and ascribed the behavior to Susan's over-worked state, even though it was difficult and unpleasant. Jan felt she was being personally attacked, but could find no objective evidence that this was Susan's intention. She felt guilty for being angry at Susan, who clearly worked very hard for the sake of the company, sacrificing her own personal life.

Jan didn't trust her gut feeling that she was being attacked and over time the sniping took its toll. Jan's coworkers began to doubt her competence, why else would Susan be so hard on her, questioning her every move? Jan's boss also started to believe Susan's "suggestions" that Jan was not on top of things. Jan's manager stopped trusting her with important assignments, and her workload was reduced. Eventually her work environment became so unpleasant that when an opening came up in another department, she jumped on it, leaving behind the job she had loved for so many years. So many years before Susan came along, that is.

Jan fell prey to a master manipulator, who intentionally and subtly attacked her until she achieved her desired result. Jan didn't realize until much later that Susan was merely employing some of her favorite techniques to avoid consequences for her actions, while being allowed to continue her insidious assault undetected. Dr. George K. Simon identifies these people as covert-aggressives. These are people who fight for what they want, often indiscriminately, in their "unbridled quest for power", but do so in a covert way. Whereas overt-aggressives are very easy to recognize, openly fighting with you for something they want; covert-aggressives will do everything in their power to mask their aggression, and to throw you off their trail. This is what makes it so difficult to first identify these people, and then to effectively deal with them.

But they must be hurting inside to act this way, right?
Most of us have been indoctrinated with the Freudian psychology popularized in the age of the TV talk-show. We believe people only act out because their inner child has been damaged or because they were abused as children, and 'it's not their fault'. Thus we feel it is our duty to forgive and be understanding when faced with someone behaving in an irrational or inappropriately emotional way. We feel we must have done something to make them feel threatened or insecure, and not wishing to trample their fragile sense of self. While this is true for many, Dr. Simon points out that this theory of psychology which originated in a very inhibited time has been over-generalized in the present day. In today's permissive society, the majority of problems being treated involve too little inhibition of our urges and desires. Compulsive eating, gambling, or shopping, sex addition, and drug addiction are nowadays more typical than the neuroses of Freud's day.

For covert-aggressives, their tactics are merely the way that they have learned to aggressively pursue what they want in life. They don't distinguish when things are worth fighting for and when to sacrifice their immediate desires for a better outcome for all in the end. They trample over the rights and needs of others in their desire to always "win". To them, life is a constant battle to win, and will do anything to not “submit”. Winning to them means getting their way, maintaining a position of power over you, or removing and obstacle from getting what they want. Covert-aggression is a way of dealing with obstacles that has proven to be effective for them, at least in attaining their immediate goals. In order to deal effectively with covert-aggressives you have to first understand and accept that they want something, and that they are fighting you for it.

By failing to identify Susan's manipulative tactics, Jan did not react like someone who was being attacked. She allowed the bad behavior to continue, to her own detriment, out of sympathy or fear of hurting Susan's feelings, and guilt for adding more pressure to Susan's hectic job. In reality, she played right into Susan's plan. Susan played off of Jan's sympathy to continue her assault, unfettered and undetected. In the end, as Dr. Simon points out, Susan's reasons for her bad behavior are irrelevant; the bad behavior is not acceptable and should stop.

Know when you are being manipulated
Once you can recognize a manipulator for what she is, and realize that she is fighting you for something, the next thing you need to be able to do is identify her techniques for manipulating you.

Sharon Gutierrez* was tired of David's way of treating her differently. Sharon was one of two women out of 13 employees at a rapidly growing start-up company. While David enjoyed loudly joking around with the guys, he only spoke to Sharon when he needed her to do some work for him, and only in a "special" gentle voice reserved for women and little girls. He would go out of his way to "shield" her from the men's talk together, and would act as if he was being chivalrous by removing her from the scene just when the conversation was getting good. David also had a way of monitoring what Sharon did around the office, glaring at her when she would spend a few minutes chatting with "the guys", or shaking his head in disapproval if he felt that she let the phone ring too many times before answering. Sharon felt that David's "special" treatment put her on unequal footing with her peers, and it felt not only exclusionary, but patronizing. She wanted to fend for herself as an equal with her colleagues, and she wanted to confront him about his behavior.

When the conversation finally took place, in private, David first denied that he did any of these things that Sharon experienced. He claimed to have no knowledge of this behavior and acted hurt that she would even accuse him of it. He gave a long rambling speech about perception vs. reality, and how sometimes what one perceives to be true can become that person's reality. David was angry that she could think this of him, because he said he thought they had a good working relationship and expected better from her. Because the behaviors he exhibited were so subtle, Sharon struggled to point to tangible actions that offended her. Every example she gave was brushed aside as a misunderstanding on her part. David acted so wounded, and victimized by Sharon's feelings, that in the end Sharon was apologizing to him.

Sharon left that meeting bewildered, doubting herself and the legitimacy of her feelings. She felt as if she had just lost a big fight, but yet guilty for having so misjudged David's character. In her gut she knew this person was mistreating her, but was so confused by his ability to flip the situation around, that she started to question her sanity. In reality Sharon had just been put through a gauntlet of manipulators’ favorite tactics.




Learn to identify their tactics
Dr. Simon identifies 14 tactics that manipulators use to get you do what they want. He points out the importance of recognizing these tactics are offensive moves employed by the covert-aggressive to either maintain a position of power, gain power, or remove an obstacle from getting what she wants. In order to deal with manipulators, you should memorize this list of tactics, and identify them when they occur:

• Denial – playing innocent, refusing to admit they have done something harmful.
• Selective inattention – playing dumb, or acting oblivious; refusing to pay attention to anything that might divert them from achieving their goal.
• Rationalization – making excuses or justifying their behavior, often in very convincing ways.
• Diversion – changing the subject, dodging the issue, distracting us from the real problem.
• Lying – deliberately telling untruths, concealing the truth, lying by omission.
• Covert Intimidation – intimidation through veiled threats; hints that “it’s a tough job market out there.”
• Guilt-tripping – using the conscientiousness of their victim against them to keep them self-doubting and anxious.
• Shaming – using subtle sarcasm and put-downs to make the victim feel inadequate, unworthy, and anxious.
• Playing the Victim role – playing the innocent victim to elicit compassion; convincing the victim that he/she is hurting in some way so that the victim will try to relieve their distress.
• Vilifying the Victim – making the victim the “bad guy”; pretending he’s only defending himself.
• Playing the servant role – disguising their personal agendas as service to a nobler cause.
• Seduction – flattering and overtly supporting others to get them to lower their defenses and be trusting.
• Projecting the blame (blaming others) – shifting the blame, scapegoating.
• Minimization – a combination of denial and rationalization, “making a molehill out of a mountain”.

Change the rules
Now that you know how to recognize a covert-aggressive, and you are familiar with the techniques she is using to get the better of you, you can begin to change the rules of engagement with the manipulator. Dr. Simon suggests focusing only on what is within your power to change. Get to know your own weaknesses that may help the manipulator exploit you. Then know what to expect from the manipulator, and change how you conduct yourself with him.

Know your weaknesses
Manipulators have no tolerance for weakness, and are attuned to these traits as opportunities for exploitation in others. He will make it his business to get to know your flaws in order to ascertain which techniques will be most effective against you. Therefore, it is in your best interest to know your own weaknesses and work to overcome them. Dr. Simon lists the following as potential weakness to watch out for that put you at a higher risk for victimization:

1. Naivete – you find it very hard to accept that people are truly as conniving and ruthless as the manipulator in your life is, despite being faced with abundant evidence. This can make you prone to being victimized several times over before accepting the reality of the situation.
2. Over-conscientiousness – you are your own worst critic, and may be too willing to agree with the manipulator’s attempts to shame you or make you feel inadequate. This only amplifies the effectiveness of the manipulators tactics.
3. Low self-confidence – you are unsure of your right to pursue your legitimate needs, and overly self-doubting. This prevents you from feeling you have a legitimate complaint and asserting yourself.
4. Over intellectualization – you try too hard to understand things and think if you can just uncover the “real reason” for the manipulator’s behavior, which must be legitimate and understandable, things will be different. This can cause you to spend too much effort trying to “figure out” your manipulator, rather than protecting and asserting yourself against his aggression.
5. Emotional dependency – you may fear being alone and gravitate toward these seemingly strong and confident people. Once involved with a manipulator you are likely to let him run you over for fear of being rejected for standing up for yourself.

Recognizing these qualities in yourself, and working to overcome them can make you a harder target for manipulators. It can also set you up to more readily identify when someone is trying to manipulate you.

Change how you behave with the manipulator
While you probably would like to make the manipulator change and pay for her bad behavior, this is fighting a losing battle, and a waste of energy. No one has the power to change anyone else, and the effort will just lead to frustration and anger. Instead, Dr. Simon suggests focusing on changing yourself and how you deal with the aggressor. Doing so can be empowering and confidence-building. Dr. Simon’s suggestions include the following:

1. Be prepared
• Be honest with yourself: Know what your needs are and own your agenda. Don’t deceive yourself about what you want out of the situation (e.g. you want to feel valued or need approval).
• Set personal limits: Decide what you are not willing to tolerate, and decide what action you are willing to take when your limits are exceeded.
• Be prepared for consequences: Anticipate what the covert-aggressive might do in response to your actions and take steps to protect yourself. Secure a strong support system.
2. Don’t let them “pull the wool over your eyes”
• Judge actions, not intentions: When the aggressor behaves inappropriately, don’t get caught up trying to figure out what is going on in their head. That makes it easy for you to get side-tracked from the real issue. Judge the behavior itself, and deal with that.
• Accept no excuses: no matter how much of an explanation the aggressor gives you for their behavior, don’t accept it. Remember that they are trying to hold a position from which they should be backing away. The minute they start “explaining” they are resisting giving in to you, fighting to make you submit to them. The ends never justify the means, and you should dismiss any “reasons” they give you as irrelevant. Keep the focus on the inappropriate behavior.
• Make direct requests: Be clear and specific about what you want, and use “I” statements: “I want you to…” or “I don’t want you to … anymore”. This technique makes it difficult for the manipulator to distort what you are asking, and if they don’t give you a direct and reasonable response, it is a sign they are fighting you.
• Request direct responses: When you don’t get a clear and to-the-point answer, respectfully ask again. Anything else is a signal that they want to avoid the issue and are trying to manipulate you.
• Keep the responsibility with the aggressor: Don’t let them sidestep the issue, and ask what they will do to correct the behavior.
3. “Fight fair"
• Avoid sarcasm, hostility and put-downs: Confront without attacking the aggressor.
• Avoid making threats: Don’t threaten, just take action. Be careful not to counter-aggress.
• Speak for yourself: Deal with the manipulator on a one-to-one basis. Speaking for others makes you seem insecure.
• Stay in the here and now: Keep the focus on the issue at hand. Don’t bring up past issues, and don’t let the manipulator divert you by doing the same.
• Make reasonable agreements: Make agreements that are appropriate and enforceable.
4. Take action quickly: Act at the first sign that the covert aggressor is on the move, and let them know you are a force to be reckoned with.
5. Propose a Win-Win solution: Covert-aggressives will do anything in their power to avoid losing. If they lose, they will want to take you down with them, they cannot allow a “you win – they lose” scenario. Their ideal scenario is “they win – you lose”, but an acceptable second is “they win – you win”.

Use your powers for good, not evil
Aggression in itself is an innate survival tool. When used judiciously, it is healthy and necessary. Use this newfound knowledge responsibly. According to Dr. Simon, you can avoid being a manipulator by understanding the following:

1. Know when it is and is not appropriate to fight at all. Fight when there is a legitimate personal need, a moral value, or circumstance worth fighting for. Recognize when there is no point in fighting at all.
2. Use alternatives to getting what you want without fighting. Know the difference between fair constructive competition and destructive rivalry.
3. Know the difference between aggressiveness and assertiveness. Go after what you want with appropriate restraint and appropriate regard for the rights of others.

crib notes for the current canon

Unemployment can feel like a maze with no exit as you try to choose which direction you should follow in your job search -- commiting to one path at the expense of others.

Stay in your current field?  But isn't this the chance you have been waiting for - to start again?
Get new skills and training?  With what money?  And if you sit out the job hunt in a classroom, aren't you spending more than you are earning?  And missing out on benefits?

There are trade-offs, to be sure, but not the Catch-22 you are imagining -- especially now that the Federal Pell Grant program has opened up to unemployed workers.  Grant awards will not buy you an advanced degree, but they may make the difference in whether you up your game with new skills or pursue a new course of employment where jobs may actually be in demand.

You are eligible if...
...you are unemployed.  Not "on unemployment," just unemployed.  Obama does indeed want Moms to go back to school, just like the ads say.
...you are not currently in default on a federal student loan
...you have a GED or high school diploma but do not already have a Bachelor's degree
...you are enrolling in a program that leads to an undergraduate degree or certificate
...you are a citizen or eligible non-citizen

Grant funds can be used for
Tuition and fees
Books, supplies, transportation, and miscellaneous personal expenses
Living expenses such as room and board
An allowance for costs expected to be incurred for dependent care for a student with dependents
 
Up to $5300 may be granted per year, for up to 16 semesters.
Pell Grants are grants, not loans.  They do not have to be repaid.  Even if you were wrong about wanting to be an occupational therapist.
 
The FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) site is dense, but easy to navigate.  We recommend paging through the screens in the order they are offered in the navigation bar, and don't click off-page until you have read all of the main page information.  If you need to, make a note of pages you want to come back to, but clicking around in sites like these is how one gets lost.  Federal paperwork is always best approached in a linear fashion.

You can also begin at http://www.opportunity.gov/, which streamlines Pell info for unemployed students.

Yoour state may have additional training programs funded to feed understaffed jobs in demand.  Ask at your local career center.

Related posts:
Your Career Center Orientation

The Eastward Expansion
Instructor, Molly Beck Ferguson, singer/actress

Who says you can never go home again? After 11 years of living in Los Angeles, my husband (who is also a native New Englander) and I decided to pack it up and head back home to Massachusetts. I can’t tell you how many locals have looked at us like we are crazy and said, “Move here! Why? To this weather?” (Or more accurately, “Ta this weatha?”)



Aside from the fact that California is broke, hot, and LA was on fire all summer, we also have a 2 & 1/2 year old daughter.  We were afraid that she might grow up to be like Lindsay Lohan if we raised her there. We wanted seasons, a back yard, to be close to family…and to have the kind of upbringing that WE had.

It’s all about the little things. I never saw a school bus in the entire 11 years I lived in LA. How can she learn bad language from other kids on the school bus the way she’s supposed to, if we have to drive her to school every day?


When I read about the pioneers who traveled for months across the plains in search of a better life out west, I have to admire them. Many didn’t survive the journey. They had it really rough. Well, maybe they did…but they also didn’t have to deal with garage sales, moving companies, the TSA, cable companies, or banks that don’t tell you that since 9/11, all wired money transfers are stopped midway for an undeterminable amount of time until approved by the federal government. So sure, some of them keeled over from smallpox…but they didn’t have to get two freaked-out cats and a rambunctious toddler through security and onto a red-eye flight, did they? No sir.


In hindsight, I wish that we could have thrown more money at this situation to make the transition smoother for us – like to pay movers, babysitters and magical elves who pack your stuff in the night. But we just couldn’t quite make that happen, so we ended up doing almost everything ourselves, with the help of a few wonderful friends who lent a hand. It was a Herculean effort. With a capital H. It was 104 degrees in LA the weekend we had to load up our moving truck. Our TV weighed about 4000 lbs, and kept slipping out of my sweaty palms when moving it to the garage to sell for the garage sale. I’m completely shocked that my husband and I are still married after moving that thing. There were many times during this 2-month long intense process that I’m sure my husband and I were each secretly plotting to kill the other one in our sleep, simply due to extreme duress and irritation.

I do think that we did a few things right. We sold almost all of our furniture and appliances in California, and decided to re-buy stuff here. We probably spent a little more money this way, but it would have been a small fortune to haul a free hand-me-down bookshelf that someone gave to us 7 years ago across the country. So why not purge and start all over again? Purging is good. It’s therapeutic. And really, who needs all that crap in your garage, anyway?

We also shipped our cars with a reputable, bonded company equipped with an online tracking system. I heard so many horror stories from people who shipped cars, and I have to say the day we took them to be put on the cage to be shipped, I thought I’d never see them again. But everything went smoothly…and they arrived on time and in pristine condition - there wasn’t even a dead bug on the windshield when they arrived in MA.

Our most brilliant purchase for the move was the monkey backpack-leash for my toddler. Best $13.99 at The Right Start I ever spent. Yes, I feel your judgmental eyes reading this. A LEASH!?! For a kid??  I thought that way once too. My daughter is a  RUNNER. And when we knew we were going to fly with her, our 2 cats AND all of our luggage, we knew that there was no way to wrangle her and everything else.

While my husband was dealing with the TSA and all the hairy logistics of getting our cats checked in to cargo, I was running up and down the airport with her on her leash. My eyes didn’t meet the glares from fellow travelers who clearly didn’t think it was right to tether your child…because I knew that I was doing them a big favor. You see, by wearing down my border collie of a child and letting her burn off her extra energy, once she boarded the plane, she pretty much slept the entire flight. Oh, you’re welcome, red-eye travelers of American Airlines. Hope you had a good night’s sleep.

We’re also adjusting to a smaller town mindset, since there isn’t the anonymity of living in a city any longer. I see the same people every day on my errands, which is something I’m not quite used to. I realized that I can’t be irritable with store clerks, postal workers or bank tellers if the customer service doesn’t meet my satisfaction that particular day…because now they are my only go-to people, and I’ll be known in the community as “THAT lady.” But it definitely has its perks too. I was stunned when a woman in line ahead of me at the store turned around and offered me a coupon for 20% off my purchase, since she had an extra one. Uh…who does that!?! A person could get used to that…

Now that we’ve been here for almost 2 months, I know that despite having the “OHMYGODWHATTHEFRACKDIDWEJUSTDO!?!” moments that bubble up from time to time, this was the right decision for us. It was difficult, expensive, scary, exhausting, and frustrating.
 
One day back in early October, when I was at my wits end from unpacking and moving heavy furniture – thinking I couldn’t do it anymore without cracking up, my husband came into our kitchen and handed me a single red maple leaf, newly fallen, as a New England reward for all of our hard work. It couldn’t have been any more beautiful to me at that moment than if he had brought me an armload of roses. It’s still taped to our fridge, a reminder of why it was all worth it.
 
It even made up for moving that stupid TV.


Related posts
Tips for Flying with Toddlers
Family/Relationship Management Tools

Instructor, Caroline Bender

Congratulations on achieving the on-site interview!   There are many resources that will outline the basics of interviewing for you: extra copies of your resume, thank you notes, etc.  The Finishing School digs a little deeper. 

This is the Poise section of your war on talent.  Little things can help make you memorable (or prevent you from it), and give you some extra information about the organization that the interview itself may not reveal.

Put these in your databank:

1.    Practice the drive if you don't know exactly where you are going
Do not rely on GPS, which will not know that the parking lot is closed, or that left turns are not allowed between 7am and 4pm.  Ideally, practice this on a weekend, when you can take your time and get a good lay of the land.  This will remove a lot of the stress of your arrival.

2.   Arrive early
Planning for an early arrival gives you a cushion, of course, but it can also give you more information.  With enough time, you can explore the block a little, see what else is in the vicinity and whether this is a neighborhood you are glad to travel in after-hours.  (You know you are not leaving at 5.) 

Are there amenities like banking, restaurants, dry cleaning?  Seating areas outside?  Places to walk?  While not deal-breakers, these are quality of life features that can help you choose between competing companies if you are so fortunate to be in that situation.

3.   Be nice to the front desk
S/he is the director if first impressions, right?  Give her or him one to remember.  Call them by name -- it is probably in front of you -- which drops a hint they may have spoken to you before and/or you might be someone important. 

Apologize for being early, and be very glad to wait.  You will be able to observe a lot about the natural order of business from this seat.  You'll hear the incoming calls, spot some executives, and observe how many people express concern that you are "being helped."  You will see how co-workers relate to each other and feel the aura of the place.

4.   Accept water only
Coffee is high maintenance, it's hot, spills, and stains.  Soda will make you belch.  But by all means stay hydrated.

5.  Understand the org chart as best you can
If your day opens with your recuriter or an HR rep, use this time to understand who will be meeting you, and their relationship to the position in question.  Classier organizations provide you with a schedule (preferably in advance, so you can do some Googling of your own.  more on this later). 

But this step is often missed, or incomplete, so ask if you are not sure.  It is important to understand which of your interviewers will be junior or senior to your role, which receive the output of your work, and which provide inputs.  Not only does this guide your questions, it informs their answers as well.

6.  What can you tell me about...
You are familiar with the "Tell me a about a time..." interview style.  You may use it as well.
"How did that campaign come about," "what can you tell me about the successes of the previous Account Manager?" "How is the pipeline right now?"  Narrative does make for better conversation, and that street runs both ways.

Miss Bender's tip of the week is that it is fine to ask staff to describe their superiors ("How would you describe Tim's management style?") but it seems unfair to ask superiors to assess their subordinates ("What is Barbara like to work with?")  You are bound to hear some awkward performance review stuff you will always regret having heard if you become workmates.

7.  Try for corroboration
Don't fence yourself in with one set of questions you feed everyone, but a few key questions should be asked of people in different roles.  "What's the top priority," and "Who drives that effort," are the kinds of questions that may produce different answers from different groups -- something worth investigating.

8.  Name drop, but subtly
If you have been able to do some digging on your interview team, you have probably discovered some people and places you have in common.  Keep these in your brain, and watch for cool places to use them.  That is, not "Nice to meet you; I worked with Lauren too."    But, when the interviewer says, "Back at BloatCo, when I was there..."  you can play "Oh, we may know people in common.  Lauren Macovoy was at BloatCo, wasn't she?"  This shows your recall and networking skills.

If your interviewer says "Did you work with Jack Jackson at Previous Inc?" and you didn't, pretend to consider it, then say no.  If you did, the answer is, "Yes, I knew Jack very well."  This works for any relationship you had with Jack.

9.  Fish for rivalries and alliances
This is some underhanded play, but we are on point 9, so Miss Bender assumes a certain student advancement at this point.  Quoting something your previous interviewer said will elicit body language, and often some "free exchange of ideas" that no one expected.  It works like this.

Candidate: (picking up on thread of conversation): Eric talked about that as well.  I was interested in the way he described the procurement process.
Interviewer: (leans back, hands behind head):  Eric really understands that process.  He trained me when I first came here.

Candidate:  Jeni was saying that the spring layoffs have been difficult to recover from.
Interviewer: (long pause, nostril sigh) There was a lot of excess on the Sales team.  They are learning to work leaner.

10.   Watch your lasting impression
If you are more enthusiastic than ever about this match, say so.  Professionally and confidently, please.  No begging.

If you are not at all interested, keep it to yourself.  Write your thank you notes and wait for the follow-up.  You might change your mind.  A wierd exit is a great story for everyone to remember...for years.

If you are on the fence, keep it together.  There are probably more interviews to come, and the offer conversation is still a negotiating opportunity.  On your way home, and later with your personal board of advisors, you can sort out what you still need to ask, so you can prepare for the next time.

Keep striving,
~~CB

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