10 More Great Working Woman Films

Have a nice weekend.

1. Broadcast News
Oh, Holly Hunter, I have been you.

2. Network
What everyone worried those Libbers would turn out to be like

3. Desk Set
What we turned out to be more like

4. Camille Claudel
Behind every great woman is some guy saying it was his idea

5. Pat & Mike
Ditto. With sports

6. My Brilliant Career
Often appears on lists like this, though you might wonder what all the fuss is about

7. Roman Holiday
When your brilliant career gets to be too much, you just want to pack it all in

8. Gorillas in the Midst
Yes, you can put too much of yourself into your work

9. Silkwood
Mind how you stick it to The Man

10. Norma Rae
But stand on the table if you have to

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Weak Men and the Women Who Hire Them

Instructor, Caroline Bender

I first identified this phenomenon in my 2nd professional job, where the highest ranking woman was second to the president. The man under her (my boss's boss) saved all his assertion for the females under him. To her, he was unconditionally referential. I liked it at first -- like when your grandmother tells your mother where to get off -- but over the years I began to question why she needed him that way. It was painful to watch how she had no expectation, or even desire, that he would get stronger. He was a small man who made her look bigger.

So OK, it's a trick male executives have used for years ("Yes, JT." "No, JT." "I was just going to suggest that, JT."). This isn't a commentary on women, but on power.

And my field guide to the Alpha and Omega around your office complex, and the Delta between them.

HE
... seems breakable. If tall, painfully thin. If at all muscular, then the size of a fireplug. Nearly always glasses
.... is the highest rank he has ever been, and likely ever to be. Typically, she beat him out for her position, or passed him when he wasn't looking
... invokes her name as the only explanation he needs for what he is requesting... but never when she is in the room
... throws up his hands when cornered, suggesting she made him do it
... believes that he has hitched his wagon to a star (however supernova)
... congregates with those like him

SHE
...is larger than life. Fast-talking, deep-voiced, piercing eyes, impatient hard-mouthed glare. She fills a room with height, weight, shoulders, and/or a drill sergeant's timbre
... is higher ranked than any other woman, and the only woman on her tier
... lets him take the fall for her, unless she can help with a push
... acts surprised when cornered, suggesting he misrepresented her
... will never allow him to succeed, and never let him go
... is without peer. but not in a good way

So, to our She Veeps, may I say...
We are so pleased you made it to the top. We are sure it was hard. We get it that it's a man's world...you have to be twice as tough to be taken half as seriously... Ginger Rogers backward on heels...etc etc. We're not asking you to be better than "they" are, only that you stay someone we can look up to.

Because our respect and need for you wanes over time. It's uncomfortable to watch the way you remind us we work for your fraternity of losers by belittling them in front of us, or hanging us out to dry as an example of their ineptitude (you know when this was). It's hard to hear what they say about you, and not know whether we should agree, defend you, or head to the kitchen for more pie.

And no thanks for your backhanded patronage. Being elevated by you puts us in company we'd rather not keep, even when we are your favorite. We wonder if you would let us stay weak too, hobbled by our own inadequancies. Or hold us to a higher standard than you do the Weak Men, which we think might be worse.

So please don't ask why we are avoiding you, networking around and beneath you, and choosing our mentors outside of your sphere. Please spare us Margaret Houlihan's lousy cup of coffee speech. Instead, show us someone we can be proud of.

More pressure? You bet, sister.

~~CB

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Businesswoman, Appraise Thyself

Instructor, Caroline Bender

It's performance review season -- time for you to do more of your boss's job in order to justify and insure your own.

Performance review trends change slowly, but when they do, they are suddenly treated as universal truths -- true for all employees in all industries, all over the country.

For some time -- perhaps your entire career -- we have been subjected to the self-appraisal, which is the equivalent of writing your own letter of reference and submitting it for signature.

There are plenty of reasons to be in favor of the self-appraisal; after all, Crazy Bosses can put a lot of emphasis on performance reviews, and you can be very vulnerable if your permanent record stands on they say alone. I am not coming out against them... except in principle. In fact, now that the Boss doesn't have to do them at all, she doesn't, and you can paint (nearly) any picture your heart desires.

But don't work too hard. Here's my approach:
Stick to the facts. You may wish you got the kind of appraisal that talked about your whole character, your development as a professional, your strengths and weaknesses. But you don't wish it, don't set that tone. Studies suggest that the higher a performer, the lower (proportionately) she tends to measure herself in terms of success. High achievers always see what they could have done better, while low achievers are generally satisfied with their results and rank their successes high. So, if you are an achiever (and all of our students are) you are in danger of undervaluing yourself where it matters.

Instead, record the things you actually accomplished. You should prepare for this throughout the year by writing them down somewhere. If you haven’t this year, take a review of your planner, your mailbox, and the like. Organize your accomplishments list according to what is meaningful for your job or your company; for example, by month, quarter, area of responsibility, project. Include results in real numbers, such as revenue realized, costs saved, attendance numbers, speed to deliver, number of defects, etc. These kind of accomplishments are objective, factual, and hard to argue. Stats can always be skewed, it's true. But for the most part, they are less squishy than, "improved relations with..."

360 feedback is another recent addition. This refers to additional commentary from your own peer level, your Boss's peer level (or higher), and those you supervise (if any). Here is another opportunity for those you really work with to comment on your value.

Common practice is for you to name these references yourself, so here are a few tips to maximize this requirement.
Make it a real 360. Choose someone higher than your Boss if you can -- someone with whom you have a strong rapport. At your own level, cast beyond your immediate cohort. If you work for a Boss who is working against your success, she may have too much influence on others who work for her. Diversify your reference list, not only by level, but also by their job within the company. This shows the size of your sphere of influence and the range of your talents.

When dot-com culture began to take over the American workplace, we saw a renewal of "corporate values." For those companies who still survive, the company values often serve as a centerpiece to your employment experience. In your self-appraisal, you may be asked to evaluate yourself in the context of those values.

The hypocrisy of your company's values may tempt you to write a long speech about double standards. Write it if it has value for you; just don't include it. Instead, you might format your accomplishments list in this order, rather than worry about finding more to say about how you aren't trying as hard as you could. why repeat yourself?

Finally, we get to the section where you are asked to identify areas of improvement. I generally advise leaving this blank. If you are not confident in doing so, stay factual and objective, like "increase budget by 50%" or "improve time to deliver by 10% fewer days than last year." Keep all items year-over-year measurements, and see if you can leverage them against some goal the company has (or should have).

Remember: measurable and deliverable. This is what your Company does. They don't do to market with "have happier employees," or "make fewer mistakes." Numbers, numbers, numbers.

Through it all, what really matters are these real world facts about the performance review:
1. The review itself can not make your actual performance any better or worse than it was.

2. The review is rarely a true determiner of your raise. Those things tend to be divided on a curve, and the most aggressive manager wins. If the Company has frozen raises, even the best employee doesn't get one. And even the worst salaried employee, if she is not let go, gets a cost of living increase.

3. When you are let go, they always say it was for performance, even if it wasn't. And you'll always say you were a great employee, even if you weren't.

If you have a developmentally-minded supervisor, and this can be a genuine opportunity for you to grow as a professional, then I clap you soundly on the back. take advantage of it, then, and throw yourself in. You may not get that opportunity more than once.

Everyone else... don't stress it. Those of you who need to evaluate staff... read this.

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Ten Annoying Phrases in My New Co-Worker's Repertoire

Dear Annoying Co-Worker,

when you say {this}, I know you really mean....{that}

1. heavy lifting.... effort
2. the ____ side of the house....... they
3. on moving forward basis.........instead
4. your role..... not my job
5. help out...........do my work
6. thought leader .... competitor ignorer
7. in future... shut up
8. VP... I know VPs
9. really great to have you on board ... I was here first
10. oh, no problem.... big problem

I am tired of you already.
~~ Bunny Watson - student at large

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Parquet Shortstop

Instructor, Caroline Bender

Nearly 30 years ago, a well-meaning (but now painfully outdated) book called Games Mother Never Taught You attempted to explain the mysteries of the male corporate world to us career gals. Among the skills we were advised to learn were "locker room talk" and the art of the sports metaphor.

Most days I think I fall back too easily on my sports metaphors, to the point of cliche. But recently I stumbled onto one which summed up for me an experience I had been trying to define and express for the past year.

I realized why I felt so crowded, so frustrated, so elbowed on the job. "I am a baseball player," I said to my Boss. "And this company... is basketball."

I enjoy the poetry of baseball -- the celebration of the individual player in the execution of a team success. Watching baseball puts me into a calm state of alertness, even as the tension builds toward the heartbreaking pop-up when the bases are loaded. But basketball is stressful to me. So much crowding under the basket -- the speed of the play from end-to-end, then back again. I've got the ball, no he does, now him! Whistles and squeaks and the thunder of giant athletes running at top speed.

Enough!

So it happened that in a project meeting where 15 people literally shouted for an hour over what should be done and how and when and by whom, I heard those sneaker squeaks and shot buzzers, and I recognized where I had felt this before.

I like to play my position when the ball comes to me, and get out of my teammate's way when the play is hers. Collision on the diamond is generally regarded as dangerous, and avoided as much as possible. The one guy who expects to take a hard mid-section hit is issued full body armor.

I want my manager to plan the line-up before the game starts. The manager and the coaches know which skills are needed from whom; they understand that the progression of skills matters. When they take care of the strategy, I can concentrate on the tactics of getting the game played.

The defense keeps control of the ball. No fumbles, no interceptions, no turnovers, no jump balls, no face-offs. Until you've had your allottment of plays, the other team has to wait. How I wish we could maintain that level of control over anything in the workday.

The rules of engagement are civilized and respectful. One of my favorite moments throughout any game is the friendly chat between the baserunner and the infielder as they wait for the next hit. Imagine man-to-man defense around that bag instead. It's enough to give you belljar.

Understand that this is not a problem I have solved. I am still out there everyday, cap on, punching a pocket into my glove with the shot clock running. I don't know the devil is going on most of the time. ("Guys...? Man off base. I'm open...?"). It was enough just to articulate the problem.

So this morning I went in search of a baseball team in need of a utility player. I'll let you know how it works out.

Watch this space. Batter Up.
~~CB

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10 Great Working Woman Movies

an occasional list of diversions from the Faculty and Staff of the BWFS&SC


1. The Best of Everything
Indeed, the best of the best. And doesn't Hope look great in those wool suits?

2. Woman of the Year
There are a lot of Kate Hepburn at work movies. This is the queen.

3. Working Girl
The movie that taught us there is no sisterhood in the workplace.

4. 9 to 5
The movie that taught us there is.

5. Private Benjamin
Can a woman find her self-identity through her work? Even if it is in the Army?

6. The Apartment
Because Shirley MacLaine is the center of the panelled universe, moral-wise.

7. Designing Woman
Peck & Bacall? You're thinking, "I've never seen this!" Now you can.

8. Baby Boom
As deliciously 80's as a Bartyles & James. And don't we all think we could just move to Vermont and start a jam business?

9. His Girl Friday
What you think work will be like when you are 14.

10. All About Eve
What it is like.

11. Flashdance
Not really.

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The Little Email Thread That Could

Instructor, Caroline Bender

This is the story as it was told to me -- with the usual changing of names, ranks, and serial numbers.


An Individual Contributrix (Trixie) was working on a high profile project for someone other than her boss. The sponsor said, "Let me know when you get into trouble," and so she did. When another department planted its feet in the way of progress, Trixie knew that she could not just plead at her own level across the hierarchy. She needed the project sponsor to do a little politicking at his tier in order to get the blockage removed. But the sponsor was not at his desk, and his calendar showed him as out for the next two days. So she expressed her need to an email to him...and only to him.

She made her points firmly, with a sense of urgency, but taking care not to name names or throw shade on a group that was only trying to take care of its own business. But her frustration was clear, and her need for the situation to be "handled" was explicitly stated. The email's exclamation point was enough to get the sponsor's attention and a phone call was made. Trixie and the Sponsor agreed that Sponsor would handle this with his fellow executive 1-on-1, and an order to cooperate would trickle down from there.

But Sponsor did not call his peer -- at least not before forwarding Trixie's email to his Boss, a Veep with an inability to understand that "FYI" really means "reporting in, ma'am, not asking for assistance." The Veep broadcast Trixie's request for assistance to as many people under her as she could (which in this company was nearly everyone), including the staff of the Fellow Executive. This started a flurry of responses that rang In Box bells all the way down the cube rows.

The Fellow Executive, who now considered the glove thrown, responded "all-plus some" (which should be an Outlook feature) with a defensive reply about how helpful his staff can be when asked appropriately.

Fellow sends another stern reply to Veep, the Sponsor, and our Trixie about their unprofessional way of doing business -- including the broadcast of Trixie's email, which (he points out) was clearly not meant to be read by others. The Sponsor, mortified, shuts that thread down by offering to call Fellow Executive for an explanation and defending Trixie's original words. He sends a separate apology to Trixie, cc'ing the Veep, who replies-all with her version of an apology. ("I didn't see anything wrong with having other people see it.")

The live version of this workshop would have me shout, "And...FREEZE." at this point in the story. Already there are so many eye-opening lessons we must process some of them.

You Can't Block EMail Forwarding
Oh, would that it were true. But it is not. So assume that anyone could -- and will -- read your words, and write as if for the company bulletin board. This doesn't mean you can't ever complain, or call them like you see them. It means that you must stick to the facts (or obscure them completely, but that's not our point here).

Refer to Business Units, not to People
Unless you are filing a harassment complaint or an award nomination, try to stick to "The Legal Department procedures state..." or "Customer Service representatives reported..." Like, "senior White House officials." Your readers will naturally ask "Who," but answer them off the page.

Limit your Recipients
Imagine if, in the day of the inter-office email and the literal carbon copy, you would have included all these people in this discussion. Trixie took her concern to one reader, and he to one reader, but then the knotting began.

The backlash of not cc'ing the World is that others assume you didn't answer if they didn't hear about it. They will start new threads of their own, contradicting your plan or repeating your effort because they think you did not offer. So...hanged if you do...

Reprimand Privately
One action I like on the part of the Fellow Executive is that he let his peer and his peer's veep know they had offended him, and he did so outside of the large thread which included his own staff. I think he should have left Trixie out as well.

Apologize
Notice how Sponsor apologized to everyone for a turmoil that was not entirely his fault, but certainly kicked off by him. He offered to call the Fellow and resolve the whole thing the old-fashioned uncomfortable way (in person) when he really could have spun several more reply rounds. Notice how the Veep... still doesn't get it.

And what in the world did Trixie do, you ask?
Trixie stayed out of it, but not consciously so. She stayed out of it only by virtue of not being in the office that day. Trixie admits that if she had been there, she might not have made the choice to stay silent, which she now realizes was the safest position. By the time Trixie was even aware of the storm, it had passed. She looks forward to using this hard lesson learned in the future by...

Not Replying Immediately to EMail Threads
Some emails deserve a quick response. They are identifiable because a question is asked, and a "need to know by" deadline is sensed. These are not the messages we are talking about.

I mean the little threads that keep going -- up hill and down -- on their way to the circus. Challenge yourself not to play along, or at the very least to call the sender with your feedback-- thereby getting your point of view directly to the source rather than competing with the reply-plusses. If this means limiting your email checks to only 8 times a day (that's one an hour) do it.

It's very freeing to delete all but the final reply, read the thread, then call the originator and say "Do you need anything more from me on this?"

~~CB

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Be the Chicken

Instructor, Caroline Bender

I would like to comment briefly on the new business allegory that is making the rounds, and of which I am already sick to death. This is the kind of Move My Cheese story told by blustery Boss/Presenters to inspire and delight us into giving "more" (which see our earlier entry on getting a life).

The parable uses the commitment made by both the Pig and the Chicken toward the outcome of the project, in this case a bacon and egg breakfast. Presenter makes the point that while the chicken "showed up" for the endeavor, the pig "really committed."

Presenter will stick her tongue in her cheek and wiggle her eyebrows, meaning "Get it? D'ja get it?"

I would like to posit that this is a terrible analogy, makes no sense, and undermines its own point.

Yes, the pig did commit; he literally put "skin in the game." But he has committed at the sacrifice of himself. As a result, he can no longer commit again. He is a one-time resource which is all expensive fat without nutrition. The sizzle without the meat. Most of his contribution melts and is drained off, resulting in a very large expense on his part for a very small contribution to the project.

You may say the chicken only showed up, laid an egg and left. But what is the quality of her contribution? She is a renewable resource, who can give every day one of nature's perfect foods. In addition, the chicken's contribution, if fertilized and incubated, yields more chickens.

Be the chicken. And you can tell the Boss I said so.

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Free Speech on the Job

Instructor, Caroline Bender

Ordinarily, you might expect me to approach this topic in the tone of "you should be above board" and "don't put anything in email you can't answer for..." and generally that is Miss Bender's attitude. But I am a little annoyed with the Company these days, and I have decided to take a more educational (and practical) approach instead, and offer tips for beating the system.

Years ago, when the Law began supporting the Company on the topic of email privacy and network ownership, we all got a little worried that we were being watched. This website alone may be grounds for my dismissal; not carefully hiding my identity and that of the Company would be professional suicide. But in those days I used to say that the volume of email alone -- not to mention the brick-hard TEDIUM of its contents -- ought to prevent any employer from bothering to skim it. And I was secure in that belief.

Since then, a few things have happened -- roughly in this order. And they may be happening to you right now.

The Boss' job became more boring than yours
And... she is under some pressure to protect the Company and herself. There is so little supervisory time, no one has been trained for their job, and she can't always be sure she knows how you're representing the department. (and she might be a little crazy )

Monitoring your activity allows her to know what you're up to -- and she doesn't have to apologize when caught! In fact, if you suspect you are being monitored, you are a fool to confront her. What you must do instead is take preventative action.

On-Line Employee Suggestion boards
Get real. Those aren't anonymous. But when they are presented by the Company as if they are, the Boss has to work harder to confront you about whatever you submit. This takes time away from the other nefarious snooping they are up to.

Countermeasure ~ Disguise your handwriting.
By this, I mean learn what your verbal tells are. Avoid your common catch-phrases and conversational style; throw around regionalisms that don't match your region. For example, Americans might use "whilst" or "colour." The trick is to be completely inconsistent, post-to-post, and not to repeat in person a clever turn of phrase you have used on the board. Sometimes, you might post something you don't even care about, just to start a goose chase.

Job board surfing
True story: Head of HR calls the Middle Manager and says "Junior Employee's resume is posted on BigPhat Job Board. Are you going to talk to her?" The Company enjoys passing the time searching job boards for their name (or, quite frankly, your name) to see who has posted a resume.

Countermeasure ~ Mask your identity
Most job boards will allow you to mark your resume "confidential," which masks your name and address. Make sure to also remove your name from the resume itself. No headers, footers, fancy letterhead, etc. Don't worry that your resume doesn't have your name on it. It's also in plain text and marginless.

Googling
Same idea on a wider scale. Googling web groups is an especially interesting way to find out what you're doing on company time. And now search engines include Blogsearching, where the Company can find out what you are posting about them.

Countermeasure ~ Google yourself often.
See what's out there. You can't dispose of it, but you are at least aware. In addition, if it is something obscure ("Rita Renteria wins karate final," ) and the Boss mentions it... you have a good idea how she came across it.

Always post to web groups using a personal email address, preferably one that doesn't reveal your name. If you have an unusual name, misspell it periodically, when it really doesn't matter (like on eBay).

Blog carefully. You know Bender is not my real name, and I would not name my company. If you actually read these entries with any consistency, you'll start to identify the people, places, and events behind all these pseudonyms. But the Company is not reading...it is searching and spot-checking. If you want to see how this works, blogsearch your company (or any company) and see what comes back. Then avoid it.

IP lookup
Here was one that shocked even me. In an anonymous survey, Businesswoman includes a quotation to enforce her point. The Company narc googles the quotation, then determines whether a company-owned IP had visited that site. But, as mentioned above, the Company doesn't confront the commenter; they just tuck the info away into their
file of known subversives.

Countermeasure ~ deflect and distract
I'd like to tell you not to surf at work, but 8 hours is a very long time to watch your screensaver. So rather than not surf, I say surf a LOT. Surf to a hundred sites of your competitors, search for job-related words in groups, click on every on-line version of your industry's trade magazines. This is the equivalent of sneaking the condom box in with the cartful of groceries. "I probably was there. I'm all over the web. Where else was I that day?"

This can also work for confusing Ironmail, which looks for patterns and percentages. Volume can confuse the statistics.

IronMail (and its ilk)
The people who promise you "inbound protection" (oh my) also throw around the phrase "protect against outbound policy and compliance violations." This means filtering. And to see an IronMail demo in action is to get your head spinning about the kinds of filters and measurements you might run if you wanted to spy on goldbricking employees such as yourself.

Volume and tedium are no longer a problem, as the Company may now search by keywords, word roots, fuzzy words...file types, file size...recipient domains. They can delete, archive, quarantine, and best of all report. And I do love a compelling report. Who at our company sends the most mail? The largest mail? Who receives mail from our competitor? And what is that mail exactly? We should read it!

All perfectly legal. You are a guest in their home.

Countermeasure ~ cryptology
If you ever passed mean notes (and you know who you are, you Mean Girls) or signed a slang book, you can do this without trying. Nicknames, code names, abbreviations, gangsta rap, cockney rhyming slang... whatever works for you.

Example: "Marilyn accidentally sent Rita the payroll file
with all the salaries attached" can become "Nineball has the $$ list." No one is searching text for "Nineball."

Snoopware
Just like your parents would have made. Includes actual screenshots, IM capture, keystrokes, browser logging, and once again more reporting than you would think they had time for. But how they do love the metrics.

Countermeasure ~ Spyware
You probably can't install this on the company computer yourself, and more's the pity. But isn't it nice to know that someone is making money by playing us off of each other?


What to do when you are confronted
I am operating under the assumption that you have not done anything unethical, like stolen company secrets, embezzled, harassed a co-worker, or violated any actual laws. If you have, you are not only to take the punishment coming to you, you will kindly leave my class.

My assumption is that you have violated your company's silly "No Being Disgruntled" policy, and for that I applaud you. But now you're on the hook and you need to play it cool. This can get very interesting, because the Boss's snooping is no better or worse than whatever you said or did. No laws have been broken except that of trust and loyalty.

1 - How did they find it?
If this was a forum that was supposedly confidential, deny authorship. With a slow shaking of the head and a never-heard-of-it eyebrow raise, lower lip protruding thoughtfully...simply say that wasn't you. They won't want to admit how they know it is.

If this has your signature right on it, read on.

2 - What did you actually say?
If it was untrue ("She slept with him to get that promotion."), cite your source...vaguely. Never sell out your co-workers, but you can say apologetically, "It's true, I don't know that for a fact. I shouldn't have passed on gossip," (even if you made it up yourself)

It if was true and mean ("I can't believe a moron like that is in charge."), call it an emotional outburst. As if disappointed in yourself add, "That's a lesson learned, for sure."

If it was true and coded ("Cyclops and Gandolf missed the meeting.") obfuscate. Laugh, shrug, and say, "Who even knows anymore. What did you want to ask me?"

If it was just plain true ("She cuts me off at the knees every time I try to raise an original idea.") Commit to it. Square your shoulders, hold eye contact and say, "I firmly believe that with all my heart."

In any case, follow-up with, "How did this come to your attention?"

3 - How much data is there?
Bosses who like data like to present it in a dramatic flair. (The slinky-drop effect of unfolding a ream of form-feed paper is sadly now lost to us.) When the numbers don't lie, take an absurdly long time to review them. Preferably with a pencil in hand. After the Boss has shifted weight at least 3 times, say "It's certainly a lot of information. What does it all mean?"


If you want to know what your rights are, you can look at some of the reference below. Better to stay cloaked. And best to stay above it all.

But you can see that even I don't do that.

Cyberspace and the Law
Protect your Digital Privacy
How to be Invisible


~~CB

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Master's degree Required/Some Heavy Lifting

Instructor, Caroline Bender

There is a lot I don't remember anymore. Not like a blackout, or even "it's all a blur." I still remember the facts of things every day, snapshot incidents that characterize how it all dissolved.

I remember that I used to get the dry heaves in the morning, just before brushing my teeth, and that I cried at my desk at least once a day. I remember that once I did hide in the footwell and found the enclosed dark space very comforting. But the real feeling of that pain -- say, the feeling that drives you to leave the building in the middle of the workday to go to a poolhall to shoot people with video guns -- I don't have sensual memories like that anymore.

But this is not the story of that pain, or the way that it ate me away, or how one wakes up -- as our previous contributor described -- not knowing how one got there.

The story I want to tell here is how it changed the way I think about my professional life. This is not necessarily advice for you to follow; this is not a diatribe against "careers" or those who desire them. This is only my story. I am Caroline B., and I am a workoholic.

The class does need some background, so let me spend a few moments on that. I did not plan to enter the profession I did; that is, I had no path or formal training. I had been inspired by two women I worked for to enter their field and was encouraged by them, by my colleagues, and by my staff to grow in qualities I had never known in myself. I had never been happier. I had found a vocation that was not only career and ambition, but a ministry, and way of life. It was the method I had found for making my contribution to the world, and even when for periods it was the hardest thing I had ever done.... I found tremendous joy. I had never been so in-the-game, or felt so good at anything. I knew exactly what needed to be done every moment of the day in any situation, and was at my best when several situations were happening at once. I was one of those finger-snapping, fast-walking, clipboard carrying dynamos in heels -- every moment tightly managed, every task anticipated, accounted for, delegated and executed. Staff development, budgets, office politics, facilities management, curriculum development, project management, student advising, breakfast meeting with the dean in the morning, awareness programs at night, leadership retreat over the weekend. All before work-from-home, conference calls, emails, or cell phones.

I entered the field at 23 and was elevated to management at 25. At 28, on a career development plan, I took a slightly higher position at another campus. At 30, the veneer began to crack. Underweight, underslept, emotionally dead (except for the crying jags and $10 rounds of Lethal Enforcer, which were euphoric), I kept playing through it. Walk it off. It's a phase, it's flux, you're just tired, she's just a bitch, it wasn't his fault, this too shall pass... whatever got me through the rough spots until I could get the groove back. These are the trials on the way to the deanship, I kept telling myself, ignoring the voice in the back of my head that I was still many levels away from a deanship I might not live to see. I wasn't even sure I wanted that anymore, but that was the career path I was on. Just keep working, keep working. It can't catch you if you're moving. This road leads somewhere if you can stay on it. Only the strong survive.

By 32, I had full-on rock star exhaustion. All I thought about was making it stop.

When I tell you that my resignation was rejected, you must believe that this actually happened. Like an infidel questioning the cult, I was shamed and punished for betraying our insular community, and daring to believe I could succeed anywhere else. I won't recount the words said in that meeting -- they were shockingly painful, and all has since been forgiven. Let's sum it up by saying that it was clear that if I walked out that door I could never come back -- not just to that campus, but to the profession.

And there's the heartbreak. Because I did want to come back. I wanted to stay. But I also wanted to feel better, and I knew I couldn't get sober until I walked away from the bar.

I have been re-examining my relationship with my work these days because it was 10 years ago this month that I submitted that rejected resignation letter. It took me this long to separate how I earn my money from defining who I "am." I went through a journeyman period ("This is my profession; I just happen to work for you.") followed by a need for utility ("I just want my best skills put to use every day.") Today I work for a company I don't particularly respect, doing a job that is not fulfilling, in an industry that bores me to tears.

But I stay.

I stay because the only real agreement concretely made between my employer and me was that I would show up and complete my duties, and in exchange they would pay me a salary, invest my retirement money, and provide me with healthcare.

I stay because it is more money than I ever thought I would earn -- and like the saying goes, they give you a thousand dollars a week until you need a thousand dollars a week to live.

I stay because it is 15 miles from my house and doesn't require me to drive on the highway.

I stay because I finally understand that the promise of "parking provided" delivers more consistently than "growth opportunities in a dynamic industry."

My colleagues and my supervisors will tell you that I still deliver, often far beyond their expectations. They'll tell you I still make the place a decent place to come to every day, that they value my partnership, that I cut through the garbage. I'm not puffing myself up; they have told me these things themselves. Only I know the difference.

And I guess now you do too.

~~CB

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